muted

melting

i tried to write tonight but i scrapped it all. "it all" implies that there was a lot of scrapping. but there wasn't really. it was only six lines worth but it still felt crappy to be scrappy. writing is a struggle because i can never tell if the results are any good. i guess it shouldn't matter one way or the other. whenever i try to talk about this with someone they invariably tell me the most important thing is whether or not i get any enjoyment from writing. i think i would get more enjoyment out of it if i was good at it because then i could be proud. it's been far too long since i was proud. definitely years.

i figured out yesterday that i don't like people walking behind me. i've probably always known but yesterday was the first time i mentally verbalized it and it felt like an epiphany. this would explain why when other people and i exit a car, i'll always slide to the back of the pack even if i was driving or in the passenger seat. i wonder if anyone has noticed that i do this. it's the worst when a stranger is walking behind me. i start to freak out and get anxious. weird.

tense

short phone conversations
generously peppered
with sighs
and pauses
and emotional status checks.
i pray she knows
my love is undaunted
by the tension
of our reality.

etched

social skill is improving
i am happy with 2003
self-analysis is relenting
i will certainly find a ny job
patience is returning
i have never felt so supported
haze is clearing
i want to live

ee

positivity
eludes me
lately

jay lewis

no tapes store bought favorite candy bar + new notebook + toothpaste + body wash = used to know more about japan now tied with coat hangars temp future cessna down in athol birds relieve themselves on humans first new tape in some time for kim this time one side so far jaylib and jeffrey lewis back to back eat that corn flake dinner.

bye, antoine

give it some time and they'll forget you back to a version you didn't hate but could've liked more. wyclef, i hope you are ok. can i write about you for a little while? i'll do the best justice i can - breakfasts, beehives, and the third time we met you pressed charges into your bubblebath. what a fresh future.

i want an act in your play.

coat?

doesn’t feel right
without the coat
they are gonna figure me out
before I can
practice
saturday
3pm
soccer field
behind the middle school
if you fall
on your head
between moving cars
and parked ones
close your eyes
there are no reports
off shit data.

mmmmusics

music makes me happy. so i'm free to write about it :)

nothing reminds me of brett like belle and sebastian. i'll be damned if "the boy with the arab strap" isn't one of the most perfect pop songs i've ever heard. it's much fun. they were so good at the orpheum a couple years ago that i almost forgot i couldn't feel my knees. i had no idea what to expect from their live show and was more than pleasantly surprised by the experience. kim was so cute. "how come there are thirteen people up there? i thought they were just two people."

i've been listening to more and more hip hop lately. i like to bob my head. i'm getting pretty good at it. maybe. probably not. ok, i lied. but i did make a hip hop mix for a coworker a few weeks ago and she listened to it over and over all day which made me feel dissad.

quasimoto - low class conspiracy; blackalicious - make you feel that way; gza - silent; black eyed peas - joints and jams; dj shadow - walkie talkie; mos def - got; viktor vaughn - modern day mugging; the streets - don't mug yourself; prefuse 73 - last light; jurassic 5 - jurass finish first; rjd2 - ghostwriter; cannibal ox - the f word; dr. octagon - blue flowers.

marto hates hip hop.
orange fro and all.
except for "hot around the rim."
(if that counts).
the extra s up there is for khoa.
the extra m's are for my tummy.

splain me this

why does "as well" mean "also?" have you ever wondered? it just seems so weird to me.

three minutes ago i used "...but then again" in an email. i know how i used it but not why it is used that way.

but then again i could be thinking about this too much.
now you might be thinking about it too much as well.