muted

yeah, one of those (thanks, ilona)

1. What is your current occupation? Market Research

2. What color is your underwear? Blue

3. What are you listening to right now? "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley (not Seal, not Alanis) has been on loop in my mind for a while.

4. What was the last thing you ate? Cheeseburger and French Fries

5. Do you wish on stars? No

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Blue

7. How is the weather right now? Cleaky (cold and leaky)

8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Can't remember

9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Never met anyone like Ilona

10. How old are you today? 28.89041095890410958904109589041096

11. Favorite drink? Rum and Coke

12. Favorite sport to watch? Football

13. Have you ever dyed your hair? One ill-fated attempt in college

14. Do you wear contacts or glasses? Yes

15. Pets? No

16. Favorite months? None

17. Favorite food? Pizza

18. What was the last movie you watched? Wedding Crashers

19. Favorite day of the year? None

20. What do you do to vent anger? Scream, slam doors, punch shit

21. Favorite toys as a child? Basketball

22. Fall or spring? Fall

23. Hugs Or kisses? Whichever

24. Cherry or Blueberry? Neither

25. Do you want your friends to email you back? Whatever

26. Who is most likely to respond? N/A

27. Who is least likely to respond? N/A

28. When was the last time you cried? Last night kinda

29. What is on the floor of your closet? Don't really have one

30. What is under your bed? Shoes, Full laundry basket

31. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Adam M.

32. What did you do last night? Therapy

33. Favorite smell? Pizza

34. What inspires you? Nothing

36. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? Spicy

37. Favorite car? Carl's car from Aqua Teen Hunger Force

38. Favorite dog breed? Otis

39. Number of keys on your key ring? 5

40. How many years at your current job? 0.02739726027397260273972602739726

41. Favorite day of the week? Saturday

42. How many states have you lived in? 2

43. How many cities/towns have you lived in? 5

44. Are you a smartass? Not anymore

[and he's supposed to entertain]
3 in 5 for 2.

being around him
is no fun for anyone
anymore.
you may argue
as your friendly duty
but you know he's right.
being around
(any of)
you is no picnic
for him, either.
we'd all be better off
if he went
away.
trust me
on this one.

shoulda

stayed
in

hiding.

receptionistenographer.

you are hopping
why don't you hum?
whoomp, there it is

you have random things
pretty five?
flowers.

i always catch you
you are a very smaht puffin' eagle
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
nine stones

that was a don't
for each rock
square
stone.

yeah, remember the alamo

i don't

(have any knees)

seven and nine are out of shape
but ready for surfing

i am a receptionistenographer

six to four is doable

can you see the quest?

i made the tape
come on

uncle peter would be mad at me

“why are you doing this to my lawn? myang,
myang."

support our troops

traffic

the traffic was making me angry enough to scream out loud. it wouldn't have been the first time i've done that, either. i thought i was supposed to be more patient now. does a patient person wonder if he can gain enough speed from a complete stop to cut across two coned-off, traffic-inducing lanes and smash into a concrete wall with life-taking force? ironically, the traffic would be key in setting up one of those moments that resonate with you longer than you can explain rationally.

as i began to climb the whitestone bridge, the first crescendo of sigur ros' "milano" floated from my speakers (the 4 minute mark if you're playing along). i looked to my left and saw new york city. i thought about how in 5 days i would say goodbye to everything and everyone i associate with her. i wondered what i was even doing in new york; wondered where i'm supposed to be. thought aboout my family and, with milano as the soundtrack to all this heavy thinking, tears finally fell from my eyes.

here's the thing - it felt so good when those tears hit my cheeks. sure, i was sad and lost but i've also felt less alive lately and to experience that moment really struck me. i was actually a little disappointed when the moment passed.

to think had it not been for the traffic, i would have never experienced it...

fast friends

December 19, 2005

had first session while medicated tonight. talked about me having started medication, how it was making me feel, how i hoped it would make me feel and my reservations about it. we spent most of the time on my reservations. had trouble expressing my worries and fears. told her i didn't want to become numb to things. she wanted me to be more specific. i stared silently at her floor. when i find myself doing that, i often want to look at the clock directly across from me and see how much time i have left with the floor. since i'm not sure if she's watching me and i feel that it'd be rude for me to be seen looking at the clock, i prefer to sneak my time checks. i'll roll up my left sleeve without looking at it and then take a quick peak at my watch or, if she turns her head, i'll dart my eyes to that clock directly across from me.

tonight i spent so much time staring at the floor that we actually talked about it. she said it was unusual, even for me. later, i thought "screw it" and decided to look at her clock. when i saw that she was watching me i said

"how much time do we have left?"
i saw that it was 8:30 pm before she answered.
"we have about 15 minutes."
"wow. i'm surprised."
"really? why?"
"it feels like i've been in here longer."
"it does, now that you say that."
"did we start late or something?"
she smiled.
"actually, we started right on time tonight."
i resumed staring at the floor.
"why did you ask how much time was left?"
i paused.
"when i sense we're past the halfway point, i have trouble determining if it's worth it to start on certain topics."
"such as..."
my eyes returned to the floor.
"umm..."
"well, what would you want to talk about if time was not an issue?"
after another pause, i began speaking. i found that the words were leaving my mouth as soon as i thought them.
"sometimes i'm afraid that...i get...ummm...some kind of sick satisfaction out of being sad...and that thought really bothers me."
she shifted in her chair and grabbed her notebook. her interest in what i had just said was apparent. she began writing.
"can you clarify what you mean by that a little bit? i want to make sure i understand."
"i don't know. it's like...i find comfort in sadness."
"oh, ok. i wasn't sure if that's what you meant. i had a feeling but the way you phrased it threw me off."
"yeah. it's just...i find the idea so reprehensible that i guess it's why i said it that way."
"i'm not surprised."
i smiled. a small one, anyway.
"i don't think it's such a reprehensible idea."
"really?"
"really. they're not good feelings but you know what they feel like. they're comforting."
"yeah."
"familiar! they're familiar. familiar is a better word."
"yes."
"what will it feel like if that goes away?"
"i don't know. i'm afraid to find out."
"it's a risk, in some respects."


January 2, 2006

"i kinda thought it'd be easier to talk to you tonight given all that's happened since we last spoke."
"it seems harder than usual for you. does it feel that way?"
"not really. i don't know."
"one of the things i'm noticing tonight is that i hear what you're saying but i'm not getting a good sense of the feelings behind what you say. usually the feelings are very easy for me to detect."
"hmmm. i guess i could see that."
"do you think maybe the same is true for you? like you're having a hard time determining the feelings behind your thoughts?"
"now that you mention it..."
"that could be due to the medication. remember you mentioned being afraid that it might bring a certain level of numbness? maybe that's what we're seeing here."
"sounds possible."
"it must feel very foreign to you."
"it does. i'm not sure i like it."
"you're very brave."
"i don't know about that but thanks."