muted

lost(butnot) weekend

"are you sure it won't make you sad?" she asks.

fair question.

"nah, i'll be fine."

"ok, then. be careful."

it's a good thing she didn't ask why i was heading to amherst tonight because i wouldn't have been able to answer. i'm not trying to hide anything. i just don't know the reason(s) myself.

driving on route 91 north, i think about the first time i ever made the trip to amherst. it'll be 12 years ago right around july 4th. due to money constraints, i had decided to attend umass without first visiting and the time had come for freshman orientation. mom drove the old blue chevy astro and christine joined us. even though it was only orientation, i remember being quite nervous and them being nervous for me. we'd never been to college.

as i get closer to the mass pike, that first ride becomes more vivid. once i cross it, my car begins to cover the same home stretch as the astro did 11.5 years ago. i'm not sure what i feel.

campus is deserted. at first i think it might be due to the extreme cold but there are hardly any cars in the parking lots. winter break must not be over yet.

i decide to get a room at the campus center hotel. room 409. "formula 409" i repeat a few times because the key has no numbers and i'm afraid i might forget. once inside, i unpack a few things, turn the tv on and the volume down, and lay across the king-sized bed. maybe if i nap for a bit i'll know why i'm here when i wake up.

wishful thinking. i don't want to listen to "king of the hill" anymore and i'm hungry. i know just the place.

"double-stacker, medium, for here please."

this burger king reminds me of martha. the inside hasn't changed one bit and i like that. this bacon double cheese, however, is sporting an unfamiliar sauce and i'm not a big fan. i don't think martha'd be one either. we'd probably laugh about it. oh well. i'm still glad i ate here.

on the way back to formula 409, i stop at what used to be a dairy mart. i'm not sure what it's called now. i guess i'd know if i paid more attention to the sign. i grab a coke and papers. in ten years i've never attempted to roll. that changes tonight.

back in the room, i put the papers to as good a use as you can having never before tried. i'm a little anxious now about what to do next until i realize that i can do whatever i want.

i decide to sit in the chair that's been placed next to the window by the good hotel people. i grab my notebook, crack the curtains and begin writing.

it strikes me that all i can see from the chair are streetlights. they could be anywhere. but they're not just anywhere - they're at umass. and so am i.

but it doesn't feel as weird to be back here as i thought it might. maybe that's because i see no backpacked people walking around, oblivious to what lurks beyond campus. if i can't see them, i can't envy them.

maybe it has something to do with how much new york has consumed my energy. maybe i just don't have as much space for missing umass as i used to have.

i should see a movie.

"one for children of men, please."

i used to come to this theater all the time. it's been redone and beefed-up since i was a student so i've technically only been here once. i remember the date exactly, too - may 12, 2001. ask me why i remember the date. it's not a bad story.

i leave the theater in a daze. what an incredible movie. i've never seen anything like it and will have to tell everyone i know to see it. on the drive back to the hotel, i take a detour past orchard hill. there's grayson. it's empty. i look at the seventh floor and count 3 sets of windows down from its split with field hall. room 705. i spent three pretty sweet years in that room.

409 again. i'm not as good with the papers this time but my goal is met anyway. i set the alarm and lay on my back looking at the ceiling. 8 panels down by 8 panels across which means 8 root 2 panels diagonally. i think root 2 is 1.414something. 14 squared is 196 so 1.4 squared would be 1.96. yes. that makes sense. i'm tired now. i turn off the lights.

i wake up at 9 am - two hours until checkout. i peak out the window and see that it's snowing. nice. i take a shower, pack my things and make my way to the front desk. checkout is quick. kim wanted me to see about getting her a umass sweatshirt so i call her. she wants one without a hood. the campus center store has 6 million hoodies but only 5 unhoodies. i pick out an unhoody for her and a hoody for myself. it's time to leave campus.

i decide to head to ashland. i'll try to hit the gas station that i've used the past couple years for my inspection sticker. it's familiar and i crave familiarity so that's the plan. over the course of my drive, i listen to wincing the night away by the shins twice in a row. i'm really liking it.

there's no wait at my ashland gas station. fifteen minutes after pulling in, i leave stickered and head towards esty street. the porch at 19 esty street has blinds in its windows. i really miss that porch. so many good memories there. time for pizza. i have a slice of cheese and a small soda at papa gino's. here i come, cape cod.

the bellingham newbury comics is gone. a coldstone creamery and a verizon store split the space it used to occupy. i guess the internet really is changing the way we acquire our music. i always thought newbury comics would be immune, though. i was wrong.

i arrive at mark and adam's an hour earlier than i had expected. it's great to see them. i haven't seen mark since he visited over the summer as he wasn't able to make the october vermont trip. it doesn't take long for the three of us to start laughing at each other. i pull "the descent" out of my backpack and throw it at mark. "noooooo," he pleads. adam and i tell him he has no choice - we're watching it later.

mark asks if i mind if he takes a shower. i look at him funny. "of course i don't mind. plus, i'm not even supposed to be here yet." "that's right!" he says as he heads to the bathroom. "let me know when you get here," he says, closing the bathroom door and laughing.

adam and i play catch-up over coffee mugs of red wine. his family is good. their dog is huge. his mom just got a new horse. tyler's its name. it was tyson, but she hates mike tyson. so now it's tyler. my family's good, too, thanks.

mark returns to the living room all clean. he wants pizza. and lots of it. he calls papa gino's and orders three pizzas. a few minutes later he leaves to go pick them up.

adam and i continue to play the red wine catch up game. we begin to wonder what's taking mark so long to return. he finally bursts through the door carrying three pizzas, a mcdonald's bag and a cvs bag. he hands each of us a monster energy drink. we ask about the mcdonald's bag. "i felt guilty because i ate three slices while driving so i stopped at mcdonalds and got three double cheeseburgers and 2 chicken sandwiches...and then ate 2 of the double cheeseburgers." that's the mark i know and love. adam and i move onto a bottle of white wine for dinner which, for me, is the remaining cheeseburger and a few (more) slices of pizza.

we shoot the breeze, climb some trees and continue the laughter. i'm thirsty for something other than wine. mark tells me that there's soda in the fridge. although i'm prefectly capable of helping myself to a glass, mark starts pouring one for me as i hold what appears to be a plastic goblet. i begin to ask mark if he has any turkey legs to go with this awesome goblet but before i can finish, i'm smacked in the face by a strong stream of sprite zero. mark starts cracking up. "you didn't even move, man! you just stood there saying something about turkey legs!" he's right. i stood there and took it. i didn't get mad or throw the gobletted sprite back at him. i start laughing. the kitchen floor is soaked. adam, usually a clean freak, can't help but laugh too. good thing i'm wearing a shirt that resists stains as the soda pretty much beads right off of me. my undershirt is soaked, though, so i change.

after more breezetreesandlaughter, it's time for "the descent." there's one last bottle of (red) wine left so adam fills our coffee mugs and one for mark too. mark is a notorious scary movie ninny just like me but since i've seen the movie already, i decide it'd be fun to mess with him. i keep calling his name and when he looks, i nod my head to the tv indicating that a scary part is coming...when it isn't. he pulls his hood over his head every time and scrunches further into the couch. even though i'm the only one who's seen it, i'm also the only one who jumps at a scene before they even get into the cave...and i spill red wine on my jeans. my clothes are under attack tonight.

i head back to the kitchen to address my jeans and to refill my coffee mug. i see the mcdonalds bag on the table. there's a cutout in the kitchen wall so that you can look into the living room. under the cutout is the couch on which mark is sitting. i decide to mess around with him some more. i pick up the mcdonald's bag and drop it onto his head. he jumps. before i can finish getting more wine, a chicken sandwich whizzes past my head. i turn to see what kind of landing the sandwich made and start cackling. "guys! pause the movie!! pause the movie!!! get in here!" the sandwhich has come out of its wrapper and is laying in pieces before the fridge. mark and adam crack up. the chicken sandwich stays put. the kitchen is under attack tonight.

"the descent" finishes and mark and adam say they enjoyed it. we catch the end of an amazing sci-fi original movie with the best special effects ever called "manticore." mark finally takes care of the chicken and we go to bed.

adam cooks a pancake breakfast in the morning. mark has to leave to go spend some time with a troubled youth he has taken under his wing. adam and i decide to watch "the cooler" before i head back to new york. i find it to be a very entertaining movie with great performances by william h. macy, alec baldwin and joey fatone. yes, joey fatone.

once "the cooler" is over, i hug adam goodbye and i'm gone.

i listen to wincing the night away two more times in a row on the ride home for an average of once per bridge crossed. good album.

+email exchange excerpt 1+

steve: so what've you been listening to lately?

jose: nas, jay-z, some r&b. the usual. you?

steve: anything i can get my ears on.

jose: more info please

steve: !!!, air, beck, the blow, pantha du prince, lcd soundsystem, yeah yeah yeahs, amy winehouse, ghosttowndeluxe, clipse, nas, css, the good the bad and the queen

jose: i wanna hear some of that. i'm trying to expand my horizons.

steve: i'll put some songs together, zip 'em, upload 'em, and send you the link

jose: that's what i'm talkin' about!!!! i'll throw some shit together for you too.

steve: nice

+end excerpt 1+

tracklist of zipped songs for jose:

lcd soundsystem - north american scum
!!! - myth takes
amy winehouse - rehab
beck - cellphone's dead
the blow - parenthesis
the good, the bad & the queen - history song
liars - it fit when i was a kid
lily allen - ldn
pantha du prince - moonstruck
the rapture - pieces of the people we love
thom yorke - the drunkk machine
yeah yeah yeahs - sealings

+email exchange excerpt 2+

steve: did you get a chance to listen to any of those songs?

jose: i only had a chance to listen to that yeah yeah yeahs song but i LOVE it. shit's dope.

steve: nice! i love it too. they're one of my favorites.

+end excerpt 2+

mad talented.

threethreesix

i feel like i need to write down every good thought and record every moment that makes me smile or laugh out loud or else i'll lose those memories forever. if i were to try to do justice to the past couple of weeks, i wouldn't even know where to start. i guess that says good things about the last 336 hrs. however, my inability to properly capture these moments, especially the random and unexpected ones, makes me sad.