muted

rated "cwtaw (careful with this at work)" for some explicit language

a furry, beady welcome to the neighborhood

last night as i pulled kim's car down the driveway, her headlights caught an animal under the car parked next to mine. the animal froze as i jammed on the brakes. unfortunately, all i could see was its eyes, nose and a tail that poked out from the side of the car. since i'm not that fond of unidentifiable animals, especially at night, i backed her car up a bit and tried to angle the headlights for a better view. as our showdown commenced, i could see that this thing was certainly not a cat. it looked more like the biggest white mouse the world has ever seen, right down to its long pink tail. i backed up some more but my view of the beast did not improve. i tried flashing kim's high beams but ended up spraying windshield washer fluid onto her windshield which, of course, made me jump. once i found the beams, they did not help my situation. i finally decided i'd rather be inside the house than trapped in the wilderness with this monster, so i took my foot off the brake and headed for the spot behind my car. as soon as i moved forward, the animal scurried out from the car and into the light before i lost him in front of my car. my heart skipped a beat and i let out a small shriek (i swear it was small :). what the fuck was that humungous...creature?! i quickly parked kim's car (crappily, i should add) turned it off, opened the door and ran down the driveway and into the house.

when i told kim what just happened, she laughed and told me that it was probably just a possum. possum or no possum, i hate it and hope i never see it again.

* * *

back in college, there was a cd called " gun shy trigger happy" by jen trynin that i loved for a while. i haven't listened to it in years and hope i still have it because for the last few days, one of its lines has been looping over and over in my head:

"i miss who i used to be..."

while im-ing with martha today, the following exchange occured:

[11:20] Meo720: know what i was thinking about the other day
[11:20] Meo720: jen trynin
[11:20] sravesi0312: get the f out
[11:20] sravesi0312: me too
[11:20] sravesi0312: i have her phrase "i miss who i used to be" playing over and over in my head lately
[11:20] Meo720: no way
[11:21] sravesi0312: i gotta try to find that cd
[11:21] Meo720: that is so weird we were thinking about it at the same time
[11:21] Meo720: is that how you spell her last name?
[11:21] sravesi0312: yup
[11:26] Meo720: what was the one we used to listen to?
[11:26] sravesi0312: gun shy trigger happy or something like that
[11:26] Meo720: bingo
[11:27] Meo720: writing notes was my favorite
[11:27] sravesi0312: yes!
[11:27] sravesi0312: that's the one
[11:27] Meo720: this is bringing back unbeliveable dorm memories!
[11:28] sravesi0312: we bought paula cole tickets just to see jen open. PAULA COLE!!!!!
[11:28] Meo720: HOLY SHIT!
[11:28] Meo720: i remember that
[11:28] sravesi0312: and the show got cancelled
[11:28] Meo720: I KNOW!

so random. it seems that things like this have been happening a lot lately.

* * *

you can add carlos mencia to the list of celebrities who have tapdanced between my ears while my eyes are shut. i forget most of the details but we were definitely wearing the same striped dress shirt. luckily, he didn't make any jokes about it because, as we all know, wearing the same shirt in the presence of someone else is no laughing matter.

hair, hair!!

i don't consider myself to be a vain person so i'm a bit startled to hear the following thought while getting ready this morning :

it doesn't look like it's THAT cold outside so gloves should be sufficient when cleaning off your car. don't wear a hat - you'll mess up your hair.

i'm still not used to the bathroom being on a different floor than the bedroom so getting ready takes a little bit longer than it should because i have to go up and down the stairs a few times. whenever i pass a window facing the back of the house, i look out at the driveway. damn, the car belonging to one of the ladies who lives downstairs is still there. she cleaned it off a while ago but she hasn't left yet which means she could come outside at any time. i really don't want an audience when i back my car out of our driveway (which stretches beside the house) because i've had to stop, pull forward and re-adjust my approach each time prior.

i'm finally ready and, after a few more anxious driveway checks, i say "screw it" and leave the house.

i can see that i have enough room to back up, turn around and drive forward down the driveway. i breathe a sigh of relief and begin cleaning off my car. someone yells "excuse me!" and i immediately think it's the lady whose car is in the driveway. i figure that maybe she is trying to make up for ducking around the corner of the house the other day without saying "hello" when i exited kim's car upon parking it in the street. maybe she wants to engage in proper introductions this time.

i turn around. i'm wrong. a different lady is standing all the way in the street next to a dog.

"do you know whose dog this is?!" she shouts.

"no!" i yell back, shaking my head in case she can't hear me. i guess i could tell her that i'm quite new to the neighborhood but i figure it wouldn't help her mission much.

i enter my car and start thinking. what if that dog was actually her dog? maybe she has incredible eyesight, saw my amazing hair, and decided to pull the old "pretend your own dog is a stray dog in order to meet the new neighbor with the gorgeous hair" trick. who could blame her, really? ;)

bring on the telecast

having watched "babel" friday night meant that i had seen 3 of the 5 movies nominated this year for best picture. once its credits started rolling i thought that it might be cool to try to catch the other two movies before tonight's telecast of the academy awards. i got on the computer to see if "letters from iwo jima" and "the queen" were still playing this weekend and they were. sweet.

* * *

saturday morning i tell kim of my plan. she's cool with it. there's still a lot of things to be put away in the new apartment but she's a machine when it comes to such matters and i would mostly be in the way. i do bring the few boxes containing my belongings upstairs and any boxes kim empties out to her car.

"letters from iwo jima" is playing in both rockville center and westbury at 4:05pm. rockville center is closer but i'm still a ninny when it comes to parking so i will head to westbury which features a giant parking lot.

i leave the apartment at 3:35 and head for the bank. an old man driving a dirty, white boat of a car beats me to the drive-thru so i park green larry and run inside. at 3:45 i'm on the road again, headed towards the southern state parkway. i'm not sure if there will be much traffic as, although it is a saturday, it's too cold for anyone to be heading towards the beaches. the cars are moving pretty swiftly as i merge onto the parkway so i do one of those pedro martinez points to the sky after a crucial strikeout as a thanks to the man upstairs. only, i guess i'm really just pointing to the tan ceiling of my car. i hope the big man doesn't hold that against me.

traffic starts backing up around exit 21. i guess he did hold it against me. i check my watch and it reads 3:57. i may miss some previews but that doesn't bother me. as i get closer to exit 22N i remember how i would tease gina about the scary merge onto its offramp. "i hope you're not nervous!" i'd say to her as she guided her beetle closer and closer to the exit. "shut up!" she'd playfully throw back at me. with today's traffic, it's going to take some serious skills on my part to make a smooth exit.

i reach 22N and just go for it. no hesitation whatsoever. damn, i'm even better than i thought i was at this whole driving thing.

i've never seen the meadowbrook parkway so backed up at merchants concourse. my watch now reads 4:05. preview time. no biggie.

i finally arrive at loews at 4:15. i park my car in a corner of the lot by itself (that whole parking thing again) and speedwalk into the theater. three old ladies are in line ahead of me.

"i heard that 'letters from iwo jima' is supposed to be real good," one of them says to another.

"i heard that too," the other replies.

"do you want to see it?"

"i guess so."

these ladies have come to the theater without a clear movie purpose. i don't hold it against them as i've done that a enough times back when i used to go to the movies alone in the massachusetts days. yeah, i'm cool.

now the two ladies have to relay their iwo jimian plan to the third lady who is standing away from them, staring off into space (i can surely relate to that!). this doesn't bother me until a ticket person says "next!" and the ladies don't move. then a second ticket person asks for some customers. and a third. i scoot by them, shaking my head and muttering "what the fuck?" to myself. the ticket man smiles at me when i reach his counter. maybe he heard me mutter.

the previews are still playing when i take my seat near the front of the theater. each time the green screen comes up announcing another preview, a man sitting behind me groans his displeasure. i'm fifteen minutes late to the party and the previews are still playing so it makes sense to me that he is quite sick of them at this point.

the man behind me exclaims "finally!" as the logos for the companies behind the production of the movie start flashing on the screen. then the movie begins and we open up on...

a fake music video from 1984? huh. i guess it's possible that the movie starts in kinda present day u.s. and then flashes back to iwo jima. but wait. the band's name is pop. i believe that is the name of hugh grant's band in...

holy shit. this must be "music and lyrics." am i in the wrong theater? i turn around and see lots of confused faces and hear steadily increasing chatter. almost in unison, 80% of us get out of our seats and head for the exit. when we reach the hallway, we all look up at the sign above the theater and it reads "letters from iwo jima." someone definitely messed up here. one of the patrons fetches a theater worker and he tells us that the situation is being rectified. we all head back into the room.

"same seats!" someone yells and i smile.

hey, at least i'll get to watch a few minutes of a movie i'd never want to see - for free! now the fact that all the previews had been for shitty romantic comedies makes a lot more sense.

i'm only subjected to 42 seconds before the screen goes dark. nice. a few minutes later the green screen is back. more previews! the man behind me voices his displeasure but this time curse words accompany each groan. when "lucky you" starring eric bana and drew barrymore is previewed again, i fear he will blow a gasket. he sure comes close.

"letters..." finally starts at 4:40 and i soon realize that sitting so close to the screen when a subtitled movie is playing kinda sucks. it's hard to see what's going on when the words are right in front of your face.

this movie is amazing. i don't even care that it's 2 hours and 20 minutes long. i'm loving every second of it until...

the houselights come on at 6:20 and the swearing and groaning return. i try to keep my focus on the screen but the man behind me won't shut up about the lights. i want to turn to him and say "you're waaaaay more annoying than the lights" but i don't want to get jumped by him and his friend on my way to the parking lot. it ain't safe nowadays.

three minutes later, the screen goes blank. i guess this is the point where everything would have stopped had the movie started on time. the man behind me is ready to kill someone. he doesn't bother me so much, though, since the movie isn't playing at the moment and i'm enjoying listening to everyone complain about this ridiculous experience. i'm smart enough not to leave my seat - someone else will go grab a worker and get this sorted out. after a delay of five minutes, we're back in business.

when the lights come on for good at 7:00, i'm quite satisfied with the movie and the whole extra-ciricular experience might make for a good story. when i exit the room, i see that a sizable line has formed outside our theater. i hear someone who is getting in the line ask "is this for the 7:05 'music and lyrics?' and i smile to myself again.

* * *

today i see "the queen" at the theater in malverne center. i enjoy it way more than i thought i might. helen mirren is incredible. you forget that she's an actress playing a role. the rest of the cast does an excellent job telling a pretty fascinating story. good stuff.

so i think this is the first i've seen all five nominees for best picture. it's definitely the first time i've seen all five before the oscars, that's for sure. it should make for a more enjoyable oscar viewing experience. it definitely makes me a dork who had nothing better to do this weekend.

friday night (part 2)

there were a lot of similarities between the way i spent last night and the way i spent the previous friday night. in both cases, i bought a 2007 oscar best picture nominee on dvd, a six pack of beer, and consumed both by myself. last week it was "the departed" and stella artois. last night it was "babel" and coors light (it would have been stella again but the tops aren't twist-off and we just moved so i wasn't sure if i'd be able to find the bottle opener). both dvd cases feature lots of the color black (nice stretch, steve!) and each movie is over 2 hours long. also, in both cases, kim spent the evening out with her sister (last night, with gina, too).

i found "babel" very enjoyable. i can see why it garnered lots of oscar nominations. i'd love one of its two actresses nominated in the supporting category to win but jennifer hudson will probably prevent that from happening. i still want martin scorcese to (finally) win best director but i can see why alejandro gonzalez inarritu was nominated. this was one of those movies where if you froze it at any number of points, you'd be left with an amazing photograph. maybe that has more to do with the cinematographer. i'm not sure.

one night in amsterdam, kim and i returned late to our hotel room and i started watching tv as she planned what we might do the next day (she's great like that). i landed on a movie that captivated me immediately and watched it for a while before we went to bed. the thing is, this movie was made in spanish and was subtitled in dutch. i had no idea what anyone was saying yet i couldn't stop watching. i later learned that the movie i had been watching in two languages i don't speak was called "amores perros" and was alejandro gonzalez inarritu's first feature length movie. i still need to see that movie from beginning to end and preferably with english subtitles. i also want to see his second move, "21 grams." drew said it was good.

fire and rainn tonight, y'alls.

green stuff

around 5pm last night, i pulled my phone from my pocket as i was walking back to my desk from the printers at work. i didn't expect to have any messages so i was surprised to see this text from johnnie waiting for me:

"DJ died 2day! He was playing basketball in Texas. He was 52."

it took me a few seconds to figure out what he meant.

dj? dj? dj who? oh shit - dennis johnson!

dennis johnson was the point guard for the last two boston celtics championship teams (1984 and 1986). i remember watching those amazing celtics teams in the playoffs with my family and screaming at the tv when we weren't jumping up and down clapping. johnnie and i would go out to the hoop in the driveway after the games (and sometimes before they'd even concluded!) and try to emulate our heroes in green. i'd be dj and he'd be larry bird and we'd pretend we were about to defeat the (invisible) los angeles lakers with a last second shot. or he'd be kevin mchale and i'd be danny ainge and the houston rockets were dead meat.

the play that was probably the most fun to recreate happened in 1987. from boston.com:

"In Game 5 of the Eastern Conference finals with the Celtics trailing Detroit by a point and four seconds remaining, Larry Bird stole Isiah Thomas's lazy inbounds pass. (Dennis) Johnson, at midcourt when the play began, made a cut to the basket and scored the winning hoop. The Celtics went on to win the series in seven games..."

having seen this play a million times on the local news, johnnie and i had it down to a science. it didn't matter who played whom - we could interchange the roles. for authenticity's sake, whoever was playing dj had to make the layup on the left side of the basket but using his right hand. it was imperative that whoever played the larry role switched over to jerry sichting after the pass because one of our favorite parts of the play is where jerry jumps up and down after dj makes the shot. all you could see was his back (#12) and he was standing near the spot where larry stole the ball. plus, he had absolutely nothing to do with the play but was the most enthusiastic about its outcome.

oh yeah, we also would re-enact the calling of the play by legendary celtics commentator johnny most:

"Aaaaaaaannddd...Now there's a steal by Bird!! Underneath to DJ, lays it in! Right at one second left!! What a play by Bird!!"

thinking about dj on the ride to work this morning, i was reminded of a celtics poster johnnie and i had on our wall for a while. i believe it was of that 1986-1987 celtics team. the poster featured a picture of each of the 12 players and i always found it weird that dj's name was written as "d.j. johnson." no one ever called him that. he was dj or he was dennis johnson but never d.j. johnson.

while thinking of that poster, the name "david thirdkill" popped into my head for the first time in decades. he was the 12th man of that team which meant he really only saw action near the end of the game and only then if the celtics were ahead by 40 or losing by 40. when johnnie and i were feeling crazy, we'd yell out "thirdkill for three!!" while playing in the driveway and start laughing. good times.

rest in peace, dj.

dying room

i'm a bad son. i haven't told my mom about the move yet. the last couple of times i went home to visit, she'd ask me if i ever saw myself moving back to massachusetts. i'd respond that i wasn't sure, which was (and still is) an honest answer. however, telling her now that kim and i have moved within lynbrook will probably take away whatever hope my open-ended answer gave her. maybe i'm not giving her enough credit. also, it's not like i've spoken to her since the move came about and just neglected to mention the news. however, the fact that i haven't spoken to her in a few weeks now just reinforces my initial point - i'm a bad son.

yesterday, while im-ing with martha, she asked me for a music recommendation. it's not the first time she's done it and i absolutely love it when she does because it makes me feel worthwhile. i suggested some amy winehouse and specifically the songs "you know i'm no good" and "back to black" because those seem like the best starting points. what i didn't know is that the album containing those songs has yet to be released. oops. luckily, itunes had the "you know i'm no good" single so martha bought it and instantly loved it which made me feel pretty good. while in the itunes music store, she also saw the ghostface killah version of the song (same title, music and chorus, but ghostface raps over the verses). i told her it was pretty awesome too so she said "what the hell?" and downloaded that version, too. a few seconds later, i get this im:

"so, apparently i just bought that whole ghostface killah album."

awesome! picturing martha driving around with aidan and jack while bumping ghostface killah definitely made me smile.

yesterday i listened to "fever to tell" by the yeah yeah yeahs whenever i was in my car. i fucking love the shit right out of that album. it's the perfect length, has the perfect mix of bravado and desperation, and i'll be damned if "maps" into "y control" isn't one of the best 1-2 punches i've ever heard. if i'm not mistaken, "y control" has a pretty freaky video. you should youtube it.

my dreams have been extremely vivid lately and i wonder if it has anything to do with my miniscule tree intake this month. i also wonder if my dreams are trying to tell me that i'm gay. first, i wrestled with borat. luckily, unlike the movie, we were both fully clothed (him in his stinky gray suit). then i spent some time chilling with ryan gosling. well, not ryan, exactly, but his "half nelson" character (dan dunne or something like that). then i won some kind of fall out boy contest (to whom i don't even listen) and got to hang out with pete and the boys. last night i chilled with sonic youth. well, with kim gordon and thurston moore. i was so relieved that kim was around in this dream. they were playing their guitars and handed me a flute...wait...a flute? oh crap. that probably cancels out ms. gordon.

yeah, so about that norbit picture i posted yesterday. as i passed the lynbrook movie theater last night, i looked up at the marquee and saw that it was playing. since i'm notorious for liking bad movies, seeing "norbit" had been a running joke down here for a good minute. so, i turned around, parked my car, and walked up to the theater - camera in hand. as i stood looking at the marquee through my camera's lcd screen, i could hear talking and loud laughter crossing the street behind me and getting closer. i felt so weird about what i was doing in front of a bunch of very vocal people that i was only able to get one click off before i hurried back to my car. oh well.

i'll leave you with this newest version of "chicken and beef" that popped into my head this morning.

"holy shit.
where did this chicken come from?
i'm trying to eat some beef."

you gotta sing it for maximum effect.

someone else (parts 2 & 3)

i enter the door and head straight towards the dryer in which my clothes are tumbling away their dampness. the laundromat is empty save for the attendant sitting in one of the plastic chairs lined up in a row facing the driers. she's a middle-aged woman and i believe her name is jackie. why do i believe this? she also works at stella's beauty salon two doors down from the laundromat. i get my haircut at stella's. does that make me beautiful? nope. it only makes me someone who takes advantage of a "barber shop" within walking distance from my apartment. upon my many visits over the past three years, i've heard stella refer to this woman as jackie so i have good reason to believe that jackie is her name.

she is sitting sideways in her chair, facing the front of the laundromat. as i pass her, i notice that she is knitting.

"it's quiet in here," she says. jackie has always been very friendly to me in our limited beauty shop and laundromat interactions.

"definitely," i cheerfully reply.

"you gotta take advantage. it's not always like this," she says, not turning to face me and continuing to knit.

"oh, i hear that," i reply as i reach my drier.

"how's your little boy?"

at first i'm not sure if i heard her correctly. immediately i begin to worry that my pause will give me away. i desperately do not want her to feel stupid, so i quickly say

"he's good, thanks."

"he's so big!" she says, continuing this conversation. ugh. i have no choice now but to keep this up.

"i know. they grow up so fast." those words leave my mouth before i even know what i'm saying. damn, you're good, i think to myself and smile.

"he's so good, though," are the next set of heartfelt words that come my way.

"thanks!"

there are still 2 and a half minutes left to go before the dryer's clock ticks down to 0:00. i have to get out of here before she has a chance to figure out i'm not who she thinks i am. if she does figure me out, how will i be able to explain myself? it's not possible as far as i can see so i offer up those 150 seconds to the drier gods, open the door, and start unloading my clothes as quickly as i can.

"a lot of kids wouldn't sit like him." ok...she must be referring to a beauty shop customer and his son. perhaps someone named henry.

"i know. i'm very lucky." again, these words fly out of my mouth before i can think twice.

finally, the drier is empty. i pick up my basket and head for the exit. as i rush past jackie i say

"thanks a lot and have a great night."

"you too!" she says.

"thanks!"

"take care!"

"you too!"

whoa.

* * *

probably about a week or so ago, kim quickly ran to blossom's to grab a bottle of diet pepsi for dinner. when she came back, she couldn't wait to tell me what had just happened to her.

"you know that weird guy who hangs around outside blossom's a lot lately?"

"you mean the town drunk? with the blonde crew cut?"

"yes! anyway...apparently he thinks i'm married. and that you're a policeman."

"what?!"

"well, as i was leaving, he asked me how i was doing. so i said 'good' and then he asked me if my husband made any good busts today."

"wait, really?"

"yes! so, i said 'excuse me' and he repeated himself. i decided it would be easier to go along with him so i said 'nah, not today.'"

"shut up!"

"then he said 'any parking tickets?' and i said 'just a couple.'"

"whoa!"

"then he turns to the lady behind the counter and says 'her husband's a lynbrook cop.' good thing it was one of the newer ladies who isn't familiar with me or else she might have said 'no he isn't.' that would have been awkward. so i told him to have a good night. and then i walked a little faster than usual out the door, across blossomheath and into the apartment."

"you're kidding me."

"no. this really all happened just now."

"that's crazy!"

"i know!"

* * *

i think it's kinda funny that in both instances, kim and i decided it was better to go along with the whole mistaken identity thing.

"don't wanna fight. don't wanna die. just wanna hear you cry."

something strange happened to me this weekend.

after some two and a half years, (the) arcade fire finally clicked with me.

when funeral was released in 2004 to critical praise, i bought it because it sounded like something i would really enjoy. upon listening to it, however, i was quite underwhelmed. i mean, it didn't suck, but i really didn't understand the level of devotion it inspired within the fans who simply wouldn't shut up about them.

"best band/record of the last decade!!"

"you gotta see them live!! it's a religious experience!!"

i kept listening to funeral and hoping that i'd finally get it but i eventually gave up.

about a month or so ago, neon bible (the follow-up to funeral) leaked onto the internet. at first, i wasn't sure if i'd bite given my experience with funeral. the more i thought about it, though, the more intrigued i was. it's always interesting to see how a band will follow up such a critically aclaimed debut album. i decided to give neon bible my ears.

i was surprised to find myself enjoying it right out of the gate. something about it immediately resonated with me. maybe my mood over the last month or so has something to do with it. i'm not sure of the reason but i'm not fighting it.

given my reaction to neon bible, i decided to revisit funeral and, wouldn't you know it, it sounded like a completely different album to me - one that i really, really enjoy like i expected to those 30 months ago.

i'm not going to claim that i get arcade fire now. i'm not ready to annoint them the way so many have. but i do find their albums enjoyable and i am interested in seeing what the fuss is regarding their live show. my timing couldn't be more perfect as they'll be the musical guest on saturday night live this weekend. rainn wilson, dwight k. schrute of the office (my favorite show), will be hositing.

fire and rainn, yo. fire and rainn. exCITING.

ravesi's anatomy

it had been a while since i went through the draw where i keep all my financial documents. since kim and i are in the process of moving, i decided that now is as good a time as any to gather all the superold documents and throw them into shoeboxes. there hasn't been room in the draw for any new documents for a few months now but i had been too lazy to do anything about it. so lazy, in fact, that all the new documents have been piling up on top of the drawer.

in the process of cleaning out the drawer, i came across a folder which contained no financial documents. this folder stopped me dead in my tracks for a good 30 minutes. the following are some of the things i found within this folder:

- a legal pad from my time in newton. on the first page was written:

"Steve,

Sorry about leaving...I wanted to leave you with your friends. Give me a call if you want.

Abby."

abby was a fidelity coworker. we became pretty close and actually went on a few dates. she came to our crazy "new toilet bowl as the punch bowl" halloween party (that's where the above note was written). she was a math freak like me which was a nice change of pace. however, our courtship ended when she called it off because i didn't kiss her fast enough (i had yet to kiss her). i thought i was being a gentleman.

there are also writings in this legal pad from some of the wacky newton nights that mark, kim, and i shared. we'd pass the pad around and force each other to write. this might be the best of what a 23 year old me wrote in this pad:

"sometimes i feel like the penny in a crowd of quarters, nickels and dimes. i exist, but really, who needs the penny?"

this one still sums me up pretty nicely, i'd say:

"i worry a lot about things that don't deserve so much attention and when i realize that worrying wasn't necessary, i worry about the fact that i worried in the first place."

here's something that a 23 year old kim wrote. i quite like it:

"today, tomorrow, whatever, whenever. i don't know. someday it will all make sense. bologna, beers, and buds. here's to my life and the happiness that surrounds me. all i know is nothing and i forget something new each day. yet i learn to replace those thoughts, feelings, and memories that are no longer mine. maybe now they can be yours. who knows? things never stay static and i change with each wave that crashes into me. how about you?"

i'd share some of what a 26 year old mark wrote but it's very difficult to read his handwriting and when i can read it, i realize that he was on a completely different wavelength than kim and i. completely!

- printed out emails from my fidelity email account.

i spent the most time with these. reading sometimes hilarious, sometimes unbelievably honest excerpts from the innocent beginnings of what would eventually become a confusingly vital friendship filled me with such a wide range of emotions. the fact that, nowadays, this friendship feels more strained than anything else certainly added to the scope of the emotions i felt.

- birthday cards from my last massachusetts birthday (upon which i turned 27 years old).

christine wrote a heartfelt note in hers. reading it for the first time in years brought tears to my eyes. amongst other things that will remain for my eyes only (only for me!), she told me that she was so proud of me for taking a chance and moving to new york. unfortunately, what has happened in this state and the things i have done are nothing of which to be proud. i've worked three different jobs. i was fired from the first one and i botched my resignation from the second. i haven't been a good friend to the new yorkers. i haven't been a good friend to the ones i left behind in massachusetts. i haven't been much of a ravesi since i moved and i haven't matured much. but how could christine anticipate any of that?

- a handful of photos from my childhood.

i emailed the above one of christine and me to her today. there are more that i'll probably share over the next few days. it's so weird to look back right now but they made me smile and that's a good thing, right?

2 skirt steak enchiladas + spanish rice + guacamole
--------------------------------=
gerald green, nba slam dunk champion, 2007


it's simple. just turn to him and ask "have you seen the departed yet?"

no. only speak when spoken to and only then if it's a question.

come on. just ask him. it's simple.

no. it's not safe.

do you say "yet"? he could've seen it when it was in the theater a while ago but it sounds a little weird without the "yet."

doesn't matter. only speak...

just ask him.

only speak...

what the fuck is your problem?

that's the $34 question. turn your head left and watch some of the hockey game.

but you hate hockey.

they're talking about someone they all know and you don't.

good point. mmmm, hockey.

ask him.

don't.

ask him.

don't.

ask him.

only speak when spoken to and only then if it's a question.

you weren't always this fucked up, were you?

in kindergarten you used to ask dawn sullivan every morning if you were friends because some mornings she'd say "no."

hmmmm.

yup.

ask him.

nope.

friday night

it's kind of funny when you find yourself alone in new york watching a movie set in massachusetts when you're from massachusetts and not liking new york very much. throw in the fact that the massachusetts movie was made by a new yorker for an extra layer of irony (although i've never been sure how to use that word ever since the great alanis debacle of 1995/6).

survey says...

1. Do you like cheese?
Yup.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
Nope.

3. Do you own a gun?
Nope.

4. Rock or rap?
Both are ok by me.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Depends on the appointment.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Delicious.

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
"Christmas in Hollis" by Run DMC

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Water, lately.

9. Can you do push ups?
Yes.

10. Is your bathroom clean?
Which one?

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
Don't have any unless my watch counts.

12. Sacha Baron Cohen - Genius or Moron?
Genius.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
Gold-plated paperclips.

14. Do you have ADD?
Repeat the question please?

15. You down with OPP?
You know me.

16. Middle Name?
Pablo.

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
"We have 200 couches where you can sleep tonight."
Long island sucks.
I'm hungry.

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought?
Toasted sesame seed bagel with cream cheese.
20 oz dr. pepper
20 oz. mt dew

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
Water
Mt. Dew
Ginger Ale

20. Current worry?
It's here to stay this time.

21. Current hate?
NY

22. Favorite place to be?
Asleep

23. How did you bring in the New Year?
Watching television

24. Where would you like to go?
Away from here.

25. Name someone who inspires you?
Brett.

26. Favorite Wu-Tang Clan Member?
Ghostface Killah

27. Do you own slippers?
No.

28. What shirt are you wearing?
The one with a collar and stripes and buttons and long sleeves.

29. Do you burn or tan?
Burn.

30. Favorite color?
Blue.

31. Would you be a pirate?
No - can't swim.

32. What songs do you sing in the shower?
LCD Soundsystem's "Sound of Silver" yesterday morning and Amy Winehouse's "Back to Black" this morning.

33. Best Concert You've Ever Attended?
Radiohead, MSG, August 7, 2001

34. Ever Walked Out on a Movie at the Theater? If so, which one(s)?
No.

35. What's in your pocket right now?
Wallet, Work Building Access Card

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Kim laughing at my crazy dance as I drove her to her car this morning.

37. Best bed sheets as a child?
Superman.

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
Eyelid papercut.

39. Paper or Plastic?
Plastic.

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
Two

41. Who is your loudest friend?
Martha.

42. Who is your most silent friend?
Marto.

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
Not anymore.

44. Do you wish on shooting stars?
No.

45. What is your favorite book?
Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.

46. What is your favorite candy?
Wild Berry Skittles.

47. What song do you want played at your wedding?
Chicken Dance.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Elliott Smith's "A Fond Farewell"

49. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Dreaming.

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
Glad that whole being in the Army and getting ambushed thing was a dream.

wanted to be someone else

"supreme pizza."

"i'd like to place an order for pick-up."

"ok."

"i'd like one pizza, half meatball, half mushroom."

"dgfjgdfjgsd?"

"excuse me?"

"do you want the pizza round or square?"

"oh...round please."

"ok, that's one round pizza, half meatball, half mushroom."

"yes, please."

"what's the name?"

"henry."

that's the cool thing about placing orders - you can give them any name you want. next time i think i'll use vada sultenfuss or whatever the "my girl" character's name was. that oughta throw someone for a loop.

patrick and i leave together to get the pizza. i refer to us as "team henry" throughout the journey. when we arrive at supreme pizza, patrick does the talking as he's the one who has enough cash to cover the order. hearing him respond to "can i help you?" with "uh, order for henry" definitely makes me want to burst out laughing. i tell him as much as we walk back to the "team henry" mobile. "i know, man. i almost couldn't bring myself to say it," he replies. what a good sport.

twelve point five percent

it took me just about an hour to do my work today which meant that i had seven excrutiating hours to kill. i did a lot of staring at my monitor in between games of spider solitaire and trips to my easily exhausted corner of the internet. martha im-ed me but i didn't have the energy to engage her past supersimple answers to her questions. jose emailed me but i decided it was in his best interest that i not reply (sorry, man). no giggles floated from my cube and the only shushes that escaped were in return to the few rich threw my way (gotta love him). it certainly says a lot about the quality of drew's photos that i was able to muster the oomph to email him my appreciaton of the newly posted ones.

473

i drove around today listening to elliott smith which is probably not the best idea when you're feeling like i feel. how exactly am i feeling, you (don't) ask?

- alone.

- like the last three years started as a mistake and have been filled with nothing but mistakes.

- like there's no one to talk to about it (which makes me feel even more alone).

i crossed over blossomheath avenue on foot a couple of times tonight and each time i looked up at the window that used to be theirs. 473 merrick rd, apt 3, i believe. you see, although it certainly feels like it, i know the last three years weren't a wasteland of mistakes because a lot of laughter was shared behind that window. but it feels like forever ago. so many things are different now and there's nothing i can do about it no matter how hard i wish that i could.

one of my biggest shortcomings is that i've never been good with change. let's see how good i am at dealing with change when the change itself is the feeling that i'm more alone than i've ever been.

should be interesting, at least.

haphazardly cautious

the heart
hasn't been in this
for a while now.
what perfect timing.

***

it doesn't matter where you live
on this stupid fucking island
your friends will still be
four hours away.