muted

confidence meter

sosickofme.

brain activity

this request was presented to me at work today:

pull 9,000 active panelists from the canadian panel into 10 provinces. within each of the provinces, separate panelists into the following 3 groups -

1. households with a 13-15 year old.
2. households with a 16-17 year old.
3. panelists 18 or 19 years old.

i initially intended to approach this job just as it was presented to me. i would pull the panelists into the 10 provinces we usually consider for canadian studies and then separate those panelists into each of the 3 groups.

i gave the request some thought, however, and decided to try to approach it a different way.

the syntax for pulling each of the first 2 groups is a buttpain. although i could type each group's syntax once and then copy/paste the rest, there's still a risk of error when you copy/paste annoying syntax 18 times.

the syntax to pull from a province is much simpler. it's so simple, really, that copying/pasting it isn't even a necessity.

i decided to pull 9,000 panelists into each of the 3 groups first. then i separated those panelists into the 10 provinces. less risky and much less annoying that way. i was proud of myself.

i know that's pretty lame, but it has been a while, so there.

* * *

is nose-picking a territory staple when your therapist pees standing? i'm asking seriously here. to be honest, it made me a little uncomfortable. i'd rather focus on my default feeling of worthlessness and how it's ruining my relationships than dreading the third showing of dr. a's fingernose tango.

* * *

i had some time to kill between putting my laundry in a washer and hurrying it into a drier/dashing off to therapy. i decided to kill most of that time at taco bell. as i was eating i thought about a similar solo taco bell journey which took place in the initial period after i moved to long island. while sitting in the same seat on which i now found myself, i saw gina's beetle pull into the parking lot. i forget if she called the apartment and kim told her i had run for the border or if she drove by and saw my car. looking back made me think of how the most exciting part about moving to long island was living so close to friends (without splitting rent) for the first time since college.

i hope i haven't given long island the newton treatment by allowing its perks to be blinded by my longing for the past.

"a lifelong walk to the same exact spot..."

this morning i listened to the new modest mouse record on the way to work (i bought it yesterday along with that lcd soundsystem and the newly reissued ruff draft by the late j dilla).

johnny marr (formerly of the smiths) is now a member of modest mouse. as i drove, i tried to see if i could hear his guitar sound on the record. i'm not as well acquainted with the smiths as some people i know, so i wasn't very successful. while i had my ears peeled to my buzzing honda speakers, i couldn't help but be reminded of the first time i ever heard the smiths.

kim, courtney, gina and i had driven out to the six flags in western mass as part of one of their visits to massachusetts. i can't remember if kim and i were living in ashland at the time or if i was still living at home and kim was living in brighton. either way, it was years ago. anyway, on the way back from six flags, a smiths tape was put on and all of a sudden, all three girls started singing their hearts out. they knew every single word of every single song and it kinda blew my mind because i had never heard any of them mention the smiths and i was so unfamiliar with them myself. it was cool to see them so into the songs and the smiths will always remind me of them.

listening to the new modest mouse also reminded me of buying their previous album, good news for people who love bad news (you know, the one with "float on"). it was released april 6, 2004 and was the first cd i bought as a new york resident.

i don't know what's going to happen. i truly don't. but i do know this:

[shoulda saved this for the notebook. stop crying, kevin. not that notebook.]

"sound of silver, talk to me..."

on march 1st, i posted a link (which is now dead) to the lcd soundsystem song titled "someone great" because it's been my favorite for months now.

i was just perusing fluxblog and noticed that mr. perpetua (that last name always makes me think of bridget jones' diary) posted a link to that song as part of his review of it. he's quite the writer and was able to capture perfectly what is so great about the song. check out his post here.

the cd was released today and even though i've been listening to its songs for months, i went to best buy at lunch to buy it. it's probably going to end up as my favorite album of the year.

* * *

so it seems that my new therapist was lied to about my mental health medical coverage. i guess i don't have a copay, which is great. but it appears that i am only allowed 30 visits a year. oh well.

take four

"hello, steven. dr. paul ______," he says, with an outstretched hand.

"nice to meet you," i offer as i shake his hand.

"come on in."

i'm always a little nervous when re-starting therapy because meeting new people has never been an easy exercise for me. i'm extra nervous this time as the three therapists i've seen since mark's ultimatum 7.5 years ago have been females. i don't know, maybe this change will be good for me.

"where should i sit?" i timidly ask upon entering his office.

"well, this one's mine," he says, pointing to the chair next to the door. "you can choose from any of the others."

i don't want to sit on the couch directly across from his chair so i choose a smaller chair to its left.

"before we get started, i'll need you to fill out some paperwork."

"that's cool."

"so, i called your insurance and...well, they blew my mind."

"really?" i ask, raising my left eyebrow while lowering my right.

"yes. i've never heard of a plan like yours."

"really?"

"according to the person i spoke to, you have no copay and an unlimited number of visits per year."

"whoa."

"it seems too good to be true."

"definitely."

"i asked her to double-check and unless she was reading someone else's line, that's what we have to work with."

"cool."

* * *

"so, we're just about out of time. i have to ask you one last question."

"ok."

"what did you think of this experience? you're not a therapy rookie so...did you feel comfortable? was there anything you didn't like? anything you'd change?"

"well, i did feel comfortable. i've had all these thoughts for a while now and it felt really good to get them out without worrying about any damage they might do once words left my mouth. i'd like to do it again...if that's cool."

"ok. well, since your plan is amazing as it is, i'd like to try to meet twice a week. how do you feel about that?"

"well...do you think you could check one more time to make sure the plan is as good as they said? i don't want to..."

"how about we both check?"

"i will do that."

"it's obvious we have a lot to work through and i want to start getting into it more intensely. since there appear to be no worries financially, i think it would be very beneficial to meet twice a week."

"cool."

"so...thursday at 6:20 pm?"

"sounds good. see you then."

st. patrick's night

"do you mind if i go join them?"

"of course not."

the three of them go outside to smoke cigarettes. i find myself standing alone in a bar that represents so much more than a room full of people and alcohol and noise.

tonight, it represents an entire state.

exitable?

one hundred sixty eight

this past week
has taken months
to unfold.
i'm not sure
i've ever been
so
mentally
exhausted.

blindsided

i don't want to write anything that i might end up regretting so all i will say is that i'm stunned.

completely.

fucking.

stunned.

(oh... and there goes that whole "not thinking too much" thing)

scaleboogie

i'm two episodes into season one of the wire and it definitely has me hooked. thanks are due to jose and drew for telling me how good the show is and making me want to finally check it out. thanks are also due to gina for giving me the season one dvds for my birthday. so, ummm...thanks, y'all!

* * *

i'm not sure why it doesn't happen to me much anymore, but falling in love with a band is still one of my favorite feelings. over the past week or so, things have been getting pretty hot and heavy with !!!. yup, the band's name is !!!. no joke. i guess it's pronounced chk chk chk. anyway...

a few months ago, their latest album, myth takes, leaked onto the internet. i had heard of them and was curious, so i bit. i remember being wowed by the first song but not paying much attention beyond it. however, the buzz for the album kept getting louder and louder so a few weeks ago i started listening to it more closely. i couldn't believe it was the same album i had lazily listened to months earlier. love was in the air.

myth takes was released last week so i bought it. itunes had their cover of the magnetic fields' "take ecstasy with me" (i loooove the mf version, by the way), so i bought that. when i made my voyage to newbury comics as i do every time i go home, i bought their previous album, louden up now (which i'm listening to as i type this).

i'm in love, everyone! i want to shout it from the rooftops...or just post about it here.

* * *

last night after drew left (he came over to watch the wire) i flipped on espn. i had seen earlier that umass' NIT tournament game against alabama was going to be on at 9:30 and since it was only 11ish, i figured i might be able to catch the end. there was a time when it was common to find umass basketball games on tv. the "golden era" started a handful of years before i attended and peaked during my freshman year when the team made the final four of the ncaa tournament. it's much harder to catch their games nowadays so i was quite happy to see that the game was still in progress when i turned on espn.

the first thing i noticed was that the game was taking place at the mullins center on the umass campus. in the ncaa tournament, a bunch of teams gather in 4 places across the country and start playing each other in those places which means that there are no true home games for any of the teams. i guess the NIT tournament does things differently.

it was cool to see the mullins center on tv again. i only recognized a few of the players' names from the one other time i was able to catch part of a game this season. umass fell behind by 7 in the second half but came back to take a 3 point lead with 5.5 seconds left. of course, alabama hit a 3 with no time left on a truly incredible play to send the game into overtime. the teams went back and forth in overtime. alabama tied the game again but left like 6 seconds on the clock. some umass dude (i forget his name) took the ball down the court and swished a jumper with 1.5 ticks left. the mullins center went nuts. alabama's last ditch attempt to send the game into a second overtime came up well short. nice.

i can't really describe what it felt like after six beers to sit alone and watch that. i know i'm trying not to think too much these days, but it was impossible given the subject matter and the cirumstances.

i am glad i watched, though.

yesterday's lunch

there's a small fridge at the end of my aisle, behind rich's cube. at 11:30 i decide that i'm hungry so i head to the fridge to retrieve the ham and cheese sandwich that i brought with me this morning.

"shhhhhh," i say to rich as i open the fridge door.

"shhhhhh," rich replies as he turns around. "oh, you brought today?"

"yeah."

"i was thinking we'd do pizza since you love it so much and it's your birthday."

"well, it's only a sandwich," i reply. pizza is supposed to be tonight's dinner but it's my birthday and i love pizza so why shouldn't i eat as much of it as i can? "i'm in!"

"ok, cool. i'll probably order in 15 minutes or so."

"you ordering pizza?" matt asks in his new zealand accent from across the felted plastic wall that he shares with rich.

"i am. you in?"

"it's steven's birthday. i'm definitely in."

rich: "cool. what about you, patrick?"

"oh, i'm in," patrick replies behind the wall he shares with me.

"what kind of pizza do you want to get?" rich asks us.

"hmmm, doesn't really matter to me," i offer.

"me neither," says patrick.

"well...i'm thinking we kinda have to get chicken AND beef...on the same pizza," rich says.

everyone starts laughing.

me: "are you serious, rich?"

"yeah, don't you agree?"

"i think you're right, mate," says matt. "a chicken and beef pizza."

i can't stop laughing. i'm in full girly giggle mode.

"so, what should we do? should we get half chicken and half beef or just get them all thrown together?" rich asks.

"well, if we're gonna do this, we should do it right and throw them all together" is matt's reply.

"i agree," patrick says.

"me too," i manage to say through my chuckles.

"this is kinda weird, guys," says rich.

"i wonder if it's ever been done before," i pose.

patrick: "yeah, man. meat lovers."

me: "i don't think there's chicken on those."

patrick: "you're right...everything BUT chicken, really."

rich: "ok, so what kind of beef should we get?"

patrick: "hmmm."

me: "i don't know, meatball?"

patrick: "i think that's a good idea"

rich: "yeah, i think that's the closest to beef we'll get. it's kinda like ground beef. meatball it is. and the chicken?"

patrick: "i guess grilled."

rich: "ok, yeah. i'm definitely down. this actually sounds like it could be good."

"i can't believe we're doing this." i can't stop laughing. "you guys are the best."

rich: "ok, i'll call and then go pick it up."

me: "wait, you're picking it up? so you're not gonna give a fake name then."

rich: "oh, i was planning on it."

patrick: "yeah, it's kind of a given now. we can't order pizza anymore without giving a fake name. it's a rule."

rich: "yeah, it is."

me: "you guys rule!"

patrick: "i think we're breaking new ground here."

me (still giggling): "this is incredible."

rich picks up the phone. here we go. i slide to the half of my cube closest to him so i can hear better.

"yes, can i place an order for pick up please? i'd like one large pie with meatball....and chicken. yup, chicken... grilled please. and a half pie with mushroom. the name? jose."

matt, patrick and i laugh throughout the call. rich joins in once he hangs up.

rich leaves and returns 23 minutes later. none of us can wait to see what this pizza looks like. rich is clearly excited as he opens the box.

rich: "whoa, that looks delicious. i'm so ready."

annie, who had been out of the room at the time the pizza was discussed and the order was placed, returns to the room. she cracks up every time i sing "chicken and beef." she sees us huddled around the pizza and comes over.

annie: "you guys didn't!"

rich: "oh..WE DID."

me: "i can't believe i didn't bring my camera today. i was going to and then i didn't. i need a picture of this glorious pizza."

luckily, annie's cell phone has a camera which she points at the deliciousness.

a minute or so later....

me: "this is the best pizza i've ever had."

everyone laughs.

rich: "it really is pretty awesome."

me: "hell yeah!"

rich: "whaddya say, matt?"

matt: "i quite like it. the chicken and beef come together very nicely. there's a lot more chicken but the flavor mixture is perfect."

rich: "this pizza is bursting with life."

patrick: "the chicken is a little dry and the beef is juicy. they compliment each other perfectly."

me: "i cannot believe how good this is. you guys are the best. thank you so much."

three oh

at 11:27 tonight, i took a trashbag that was 3/4 full and an empty pizza box out to the curb. on my way back towards the house, i stopped on the porch, turned around and looked at the black sky.

i thought about how tonight felt pretty amazing and it made me a little sad that it was over. then i remembered that work was also quite awesome today.

everything great that took place since i awoke this morning occured in new york...after a pretty amazing 26 hours in massachusetts.

i guess i should really do my best to try to make the most of both states and not think so much.

effortlessness

i forgot what it felt like.
(picture taken by lil' frankie)

red-lettered license plates

awake at 8am
full service pump showdown
highway by 9
arcade fire - neon bible
!!! - myth takes
amy winehouse - back to black
shout out out out out - not saying/just saying
part of lil' wayne - the carter II
part of wilco - sky blue sky
lunch at 99 with mom and the franks
pictures at house with christine, frankie, and mom
lots of horsing around with frankie
uncle boomer (johnnie) on his way

* * *

johnnie gave me the "billy jack" 5 dvd box set (4 movies plus a dvd of extras). neither of us knew there was more than one movie. we used to watch the one movie we knew existed a lot back when we were younger. of course, i had forgotten about it completely in the decades since. johnnie's good like that. he also gave me peter gammons' cd. he's known as espn's lead baseball analyst and has been a sportswriter forever.

we had pizza for dinner and then some awesome kahlua cake (never had such a cake before). it was amazing how the day came together so nicely without any planning whatsoever.

"listen, favreau..."

a year ago the long islanders headed to the vermont house for the weekend. who knew then that it would be the last time we did so as the tight group we'd been for 5 years? certainly not me. shit sucks sometimes.

i just wanted to thank casey for responding to my most personal post of the past few weeks. i really appreciate what you wrote. it helps to know that things like that happen to other people, too. seriously.

i was bored last night so i made a mix. you can download it here. one request, though: if you do download it (and i hope you do), please listen to it at least once in the order i put the songs together. as always, i paid serious attention to the order and actually had to rename all the files so that it would be preserved upon downloading. thanks.

ps - you should head over to casey's blog and watch the "million dollar strong" youtube video that he posted. i've watched it 8 times this morning and have been desperately searching for an mp3 to no avail.

wupid

one of my oldest memories is of walking into the kitchen in the middle of an argument that my parents were having. i'm not sure how old i was or why i went to the kitchen on this particular occasion. the specifics of the argument also escape me. what i do remember quite vividly, though, is my dad asking me to make a funny face so that my mom would smile. i contorted my mug as best as i could and my mom not only smiled, she laughed too.

judging by the above photo, my dad was a smart, sly fellow.

my dad's nickname for me was "wupid" which was short for "stupid wupid." he meant it lovingly, though, because he didn't say it only when he was mad at me. he used it all the time, really. even when i'd come home for a visit after moving out, he'd greet me with a smile and a "heeeeey, wupid!"

our relationship was quite strained for a good portion of my teens and twenties for reasons that i won't get into here. but we're in a better place now. i guess it's that whole absence doing funky things to the heart deal.

af - ncg

i ducked out of work for a few minutes around noon yesterday to head to best buy and purchase arcade fire’s neon bible and albert hammond jr's yours to keep. internet magic allowed me to hear both of these albums prior to yesterday and since i liked them, i figured i should buy them when they were released…so i did.

when i got home from work, the apartment was empty which wasn’t a surprise as kim had texted me that she was going out for some drinks with her work friends. once i got unworkified, i sat down at the computer and imported the cd versions of the albums into itunes.

when the process was finished, i decided to youtube “arcade fire” for the first time. not sure why i’d never tried that before given the accolades their live show receives. this video of a live performance of “no cars go” was the first one i watched and it did weird things to me.

as soon as the accordian and violins begin soaring together, my heart started to swell and tears came to my eyes. i know i’ve written about teary eyes too much lately, but this was something else altogether. i knew that kim would be home any minute and i didn’t want her to find me like that because she worries enough about me as it is (because i suck). i headed to the bathroom, shut the door, collapsed onto the floor and let go as the tears became a real cry (with sobs and everything). as I sat with my back to the door and my head in my hands, I felt a strange mixture of relief, confusion and loneliness.

“what the fuck is wrong with me?”

“what the fuck is wrong with me?”

“what the fuck is wrong with me?”

the (real) cry was over in about a minute. when the sobs subsided, i stood up, checked myself in the mirror, wiped the tears away and, although my eyes were still red, headed back to the computer. i continued watching arcade fire videos while the watery eyes stayed watery. i had a similar feeling in my chest but i wasn’t quite as close to being the gushing mess slumped against the bathroom door that i had just been.

in the middle of the third video, kim came home and i wiped my eyes once more, hoping that she wouldn’t notice anything out of the ordinary. luckily for me, she didn’t.

after we ate dinner, she left for the farmhouse and i decided to take a nap. i put all 21 arcade fire songs in my itunes on shuffle and stretched out on the couch in the computer room. when i awoke there were still a few songs left to go. the final song ended up being “no cars go.” pretty fitting, i’d say.

music has strange powers sometimes...

cranium juice

i figure that i should probably go to the grocery store to buy some cold cuts and other assorted foodstuffs because i have been eating way too much fast food for lunch. i don't go to the grocery store all that often but i convince myself i can pull it off. the fact that i need convincing is pretty sad. trust me, i know.

there's less space in the kitchen for returnables nowadays so i grab the six pack of empty coors lights from babel night and throw the 5 sodaless diet pepsi bottles into a bag before i head out the door. i tell myself that i should make a habit of going to the grocery store every sunday (whoa! let's not get ahead of yourself!) and if i bring the returnables each time, the lack of space for them will never become an issue.

twelve point three five minutes later, the plastic machine spits out a receipt for 25 cents and its glass counterpart offers one for 30. it's worth more than 55 cents to me to have these bottles out of our way and i know i'd feel kind of weird redeeming the two receipts due to their paltry sum. therefore, i chuck them into the trash bin chilling between the 2nd and 3rd machines.

the shopping carts are lined up beside the redemption area and i can see that every single one houses an already leafed through circular (or, as i like to call it, trash). nice. the one closest to me also features a half-eaten bagel so i bypass that one, crumple up the circular from the next one and put it to rest with my 55 cents as i head into the store.

i should get the cold cuts first. on my way over to the deli, i scope out the area to see what i'm facing. is it crowded? nope. it looks like there's only one lady. yup, i was right. sweet.

as i roll closer to the counter i hear her speaking to the deli man who is working by himself.

"so, why are you out of so many things?"

"well, lots of reasons. someone messed up our order. one of the trucks never came..."

it's quite clear from his tone that he is extremely frustrated. yikes. on the rare occasion that i do make a grocery store jaunt, the deli part of it always makes me anxious because it requires talking. as i wait my turn, i'll go over and over my order to make sure i have it down when my number's called. but now i'm freaking out. i don't have much time to practice my order and i don't even know if what i had planned to order will be available. shit. he's already frustrated and i will only make it worse because i'm no good at these things. just speak slowly to avoid stuttering but not too slowly that you piss him off.

"what can i get ya?" heeeere we go!

"umm, do you have any kind of turkey left?" that's not a bad way to start this process, i guess.

"all i got is honey turkey."

"ok, can i have 3/4 of a pound of that please?" i ask as quickly as my mouth will let me.

"ok, and if you're looking for ham, all i got is domestic."

i'm not sure what that means but i'm not about to ask for a definition. "can i please have 3/4 of a pound of that too?"

"sure. if you're looking for any italian meets, we got none."

"i'm not, thanks."

i can see that the counter is a mess. scraps are everywhere. meats are hanging out in slicers. bags are strewn all over the place.

while working on the turkey he turns to me, shaking his head.

"unfuckin' believable," he declares.

i'm a little surprised to hear the "fuckin'" part but i make sure not to show it.

"this day has been an absolute fuckin' nightmare. we don't have anything that we ordered."

"oh, man," i offer. "and sunday's are the worst, too, right?" oh, please be right, please be right, please be right.

"you ain't kiddin!"

phew!

"and to top it off, one kid never showed up and another called 2 hours late to say he wouldn't be coming in."

"wow."

"yeah. unfuckin' believable. and the kid who did show left 25 minutes early because he didn't feel like working anymore."

"you're kidding me."

"i wish i was. look at this mess. and i gotta clean it all up by myself. i think you're gonna be my last customer."

he bags the turkey.

"great. and now we're out of fuckin' bags."

oh crap. i wonder what that means as i still need that ham and i've yet to order cheese.

"i'm leavin' at 8 o'clock tonight. i don't give a shit. i'll leave this place just as it is. wouldn't the board of health just love that - all this food sittin' out overnight? that'll teach 'em. i'm ready to just walk out and never come back. that's how pissed off i am."

an "i don't blame you" and a head shake is all i have with which to respond.

he finishes with the ham and luckily, a few more bags appear out of nowhere. as he hands the ham to me, he says

"i'm sorry to lay this all on you - to vent like this."

"oh, no no no! i don't mind at all." that's the truth, too. i've been told i'm a good listener.

"anything else?"

"just a pound of american cheese please. and that's it."

"the yellow?"

"sure."

"all i got is land o' lakes."

"that's fine with me."

33 seconds later he throws what he's sliced so far onto the scale. it reads .5 lbs. he returns to the machine and starts catching each slice in his gloved hand. hmmm, i don't think he's aiming for a pound here. once the scale reads .75 lbs, the slicing stops. that's a quarter pound less than i requested, but you couldn't pay me enough to point that out to him. 3/4 of a pound of land o' lakes yellow american cheese will do just fine.

he hands me the cheese. i'm not sure how to wrap this up so i say "i'm sorry."

"nah...it's not your fault."

i wheel my cart towards the bread aisle and hear him say to a colleague as he heads behind the deli scenes "don't page me, i can't take any more customers. i gotta clean up."

i've barely left the bread aisle when the crappy store music is interrupted by the intercom:

"...please report to the deli. you have a customer."

whoa! i immediately feel badly for that customer as he is about to get exploded cranium juice all over his sunday best.

happy (larry) bir(d)thday, mark!!!!!

trend

i watched two more movies by myself this weekend (zodiac and adaptation). let's see if i can remember the recent company those two are joining:

goodfellas
the matrix
the virgin suicides
prozac nation
the departed
babel
letters from iwo jima
the queen

this means that over the past few weekends, i've spent at least 1276 minutes alone. that's 21.266666666666... hours.

yay, new york!!!

(mmmm, taste the sarcasm)

infidelity

today is saturday (i shit you not). which means...

march 3, 2006 was a friday. which means...

march 3, 2005 was a thursday. which means...

march 3, 2004 was a wednesday. which means...

my "goodbye fidelity" gathering was exactly three years ago.

chris (who first got me saying “maaaa!....see?”) was the person who decided i should be sent off in some way. he knew me well enough to realize that if the event was planned to take place at an area bar, i probably wouldn’t show. therefore, he decided the only place to have it and be sure that i’d attend would be at my own apartment. we invited the people who might give a shit that i was leaving and figured we’d grab a beer ball and some pizzas and wing everything else.

i remember having mixed emotions when wednesday came. i was worried that no one would have a good time and, since i was living by myself, it would be completely my fault. plus, there were some people attending with whom i’d never interacted outside of work. however, living alone had been a horrible experience for me so having the company could be nice.

let’s see if I can remember everyone who ended up attending:

- chris: always made me laugh

- katie: we had become close due to a shared prolonged shitty experience implementing a new client. she was fond of telling me how weird i was.

- brennan: close for the same reason as katie and i; sat in cube next to mine with chris; funny as hell

- david: i nicknamed him “dickie franks” (and it stuck) because it sounded funny; also went through experience with katie, brennan and me; funny as hell

- phil: my cubemate; only knew him for the last few months but he was a funny fuck

- matt: shared same manager as me; we talked about music a lot; cool dude

- tara: used to share same manager; great sport when it came to my office hijinx

- jeremy: used to share same manager; super sports fan

- mike: used to share same manager; good sense of humor

- nate: tuna boy! loved talking sports with him

- brian: we bonded over music and rocked out together a bunch of times - wee hermans for life!!

- keith: motherfuckin' zoots!!!

after work, i raced to the papa gino's down the street from the apartment while chris headed to a liquor store. once people started arriving, we gathered in the kitchen, laughing, eating pizza and drinking beer. i had the computer rocking a party friendly playlist i had put together earlier that week. i remember that we kicked the beer ball pretty early in the night so mike and i walked to the corner store to grab a thirty pack. a bunch of people (well, as big a bunch as you can have as a subset of 13 people) played cards in the living room while the oc played on the tv (tara and katie were huge fans and the show was pretty new at the time). matt discovered my turntables and records in “the office” and almost shat himself. “dude, you can’t move! you’re too cool.” (still the most surreal thing that's ever been said about me to my face). chris and matt had some fun with those for a while. dickie franks found my guitar and started walking around taking requests. zoots showed up late but had some green with him which we used in kim’s small closet off the bedroom (as it was now empty). i even got someone to partake for the first time in YEARS which was a blast. at one point dickie franks and i were doing our best rendition of guns and roses’ “patience” and i was singing at the absolute top of my lungs. this moment was captured on video by brennan to whom I had given control of the videocamera.

the gathering was quite a success. the only hitch came at the end of the night when most people had left. i went to the bathroom and broke the flusher when i...flushed. of course, i freaked out because i was wasted and not handy enough to know how to address it. luckily, tuna boy assured me that it was an easy fix. i just had to buy a part from home depot which wouldn't set me back more than a few dollars and the installation would be self explanatory.

the next day at work was very bittersweet. while i felt honored to hear everyone recount what a great time they had, there was a sense that we all regretted waiting so long to get together like that. it definitely sucked that it took me leaving to realize how much people actually liked me.

i’ve watched some of the video from that night recently and it’s very difficult for me to do so. although i love seeing those people again, i can’t even watch sober video of myself and i am quite far from sober in that footage.

i still talk to some of them through email but not as much as i'd like. just this week, though, i got an email from matt. every now and then we'll ask each other what's been "in your ears" and exchange music recommendations. he sent me this amazing remix of a midlake song. it blew my mind and i gladly told him as much:

roscoe (remix)

p.s. ok, so another one of those freaky coincidences just happened as soon as i hit the "post" button. i checked my email (again) and there was a brand new email from brian! holy crap. wee hermans, motherfucker!!!!

wrapped

on my way to work yesterday morning i stopped by the old apartment to leave our keys for the landlord. when i pulled onto blossomheath avenue, i parked in one of the metered spaces in front of the building. i grabbed a dime from the plastic trough beneath my parking brake and tried putting good ol' dwight d. into the meter. he put up quite the fight and eventually won when i saw that the meter only accepts thomas j's. in the three years i've lived there, how did i never notice that? oh well. since i had no nickels, i decided that i’d have to risk a ticket and be quick.

as my key entered the downstairs lock, it hit me that this was going to be the last time i ever did this. still quite mindful of the hungry meter, i rushed up the stairs and opened our true apartment door. the place looked so empty and reminded me, of course, of the first time i entered it some three years ago. courtney, who was living with gina in an apartment across the roof at the time, had gotten the key from her landlord and was quite excited to show the place to kim and i. the plan had been for me to move into kim's parents' basement but this opportunity seemed to have fallen from the sky. courtney's excitement quickly transferred to kim and me.

it made me mad that i had not been able to find a nickel thirty seconds earlier as i would have liked a moment to take in the apartment for the last time. it’s probably better that i had been nickelless, though. slowly walking through the apartment and being introspective in regards to the three years bookended by its emptiness probably wouldn’t have been good for me.

maybe it wouldn't have mattered much because the blah returned last night anyway. i noticed as i was watching television with a blank stare through watery eyes.

i need to learn that this is normal, right? everyone gets the blah sometimes, don't they? i just wish there was a way to disconnect the blah switch from the suicide light that blinks red in my mind . i guess it's better that it was blinking last night and not burning steadily bright.

i made a blah playlist around 10:00 pm and proceeded to listen to it in its entirety before going to bed. maybe that wasn’t a good idea.

amy winehouse - back to black (i know i won't shut up about this song but i love it so bite me!)
built to spill - carry the zero
arcade fire - ocean of noise
jen trynin - writing notes
beck - lost cause
blur - no distance left to run
portishead - wandering star
jon brion - eternal sunshine theme
nine inch nails - right where it belongs
coldplay - we never change
eels - elizabeth on the bathroom floor
radiohead - like spinning plates
elliott smith - true love
albert hammond, jr - blue skies
neutral milk hotel - naomi
yeah yeah yeahs - let me know
ani difranco - independence day
pearl jam - come back
quasi - tomorrow you'll hide
strokes - evening sun
turin brakes - panic attack
wilco - at least that's what you said

blah blah blah blah blah.

safe (for the moment)

have you ever tried to explain the reasons behind a (recent) hang-up of yours but in the process become more confused by and frustrated with yourself? it's awesome, isn't it? ;)

i was lucky enough to experience this phenomenon the other day. after my gloriously futile attempt to provide any insight to the person with whom i was talking, i decided to go get some lunch. earlier that morning, i grabbed nirvana's in utero on my way out the door for the day's listening. now i found myself speeding and blasting my stereo as loudly as my ears could stand. as kurt cobain screamed "what is wrong with me?!" over and over (from "radio friendly unit shifter") i thought "that's a very good question, mr. cobain." i guess it was a positive sign, though, that this thought took the voice of kenneth the page from nbc's "30 rock." his voice makes me smile.

* * *

i've noticed lately that sometimes when i laugh, i laugh exactly like frank, my oldest brother. of course, i'm not referring to the high pitched girly giggle that i've become known for over the years - frank's too manly for that. this franklaugh of mine weirds me out for two reasons:

1. when it happens, i'm thrown for a second by the uncanniness of it.

2. it means i don't always laugh the same way.

* * *

i haven't taken a good picture in so long which makes me sad. i guess it's hard to take a good picture when you rarely take any pictures anymore. however, i did just post something on my flickr page that makes me laugh but i'm sure it'll get me in trouble. ;)

* * *

this lcd soundsystem song has been my favorite for months now. the music is amazing and i love how it builds up from the beginning. plus its opening line ("i wish that we could talk about it/but there, that's the problem") hits hard and kinda ties back to the beginning of this post. you'd check it out if you knew what was good for you:

someone great

* * *

reviews for bootfoot are starting to come in:

"jesus, mary and joseph. well played." - adam stachelek of the vancouver voice

"...my vote for youtube video of the year award. two-minute filmmaking at its finest." - a.b. marto of we are wareham

"i'm peeing right now!" - m.e. o'connor of the daily worcesterian