muted

af - ncg

i ducked out of work for a few minutes around noon yesterday to head to best buy and purchase arcade fire’s neon bible and albert hammond jr's yours to keep. internet magic allowed me to hear both of these albums prior to yesterday and since i liked them, i figured i should buy them when they were released…so i did.

when i got home from work, the apartment was empty which wasn’t a surprise as kim had texted me that she was going out for some drinks with her work friends. once i got unworkified, i sat down at the computer and imported the cd versions of the albums into itunes.

when the process was finished, i decided to youtube “arcade fire” for the first time. not sure why i’d never tried that before given the accolades their live show receives. this video of a live performance of “no cars go” was the first one i watched and it did weird things to me.

as soon as the accordian and violins begin soaring together, my heart started to swell and tears came to my eyes. i know i’ve written about teary eyes too much lately, but this was something else altogether. i knew that kim would be home any minute and i didn’t want her to find me like that because she worries enough about me as it is (because i suck). i headed to the bathroom, shut the door, collapsed onto the floor and let go as the tears became a real cry (with sobs and everything). as I sat with my back to the door and my head in my hands, I felt a strange mixture of relief, confusion and loneliness.

“what the fuck is wrong with me?”

“what the fuck is wrong with me?”

“what the fuck is wrong with me?”

the (real) cry was over in about a minute. when the sobs subsided, i stood up, checked myself in the mirror, wiped the tears away and, although my eyes were still red, headed back to the computer. i continued watching arcade fire videos while the watery eyes stayed watery. i had a similar feeling in my chest but i wasn’t quite as close to being the gushing mess slumped against the bathroom door that i had just been.

in the middle of the third video, kim came home and i wiped my eyes once more, hoping that she wouldn’t notice anything out of the ordinary. luckily for me, she didn’t.

after we ate dinner, she left for the farmhouse and i decided to take a nap. i put all 21 arcade fire songs in my itunes on shuffle and stretched out on the couch in the computer room. when i awoke there were still a few songs left to go. the final song ended up being “no cars go.” pretty fitting, i’d say.

music has strange powers sometimes...