muted

trash

being here makes me so anxious. i've never felt anxiety like this. finding peaceful thoughts seems impossible.

i know kim's post-me life will go on but it's very weird to be here watching as that happens. every time she mentions all the things she has done, is doing and will do with people i absolutely hate now i feel a sharp pain between my ears.

"you gotta get outta here as fast as you can and not look back for as long as you can. run. run. run!!!"

that's what i keep telling myself.

finding a way to make the getting outta here part a reality only adds to my anxiety. moving to NY without having a job lined up was a horrible experience that i never want to repeat. therefore, i need to find a MA job before i move. so far i've had no luck with any of the MA jobs to which i've applied. explaining my situation in cover letters hasn't helped. maybe i need to change the address and telephone number on my resume. but which MA address/number do i use? i guess i could use the canton address/phone number but i haven't told my mom about any of this yet because i don't want her to assume i'm moving home. and if i get any calls, the person receiving them will have to lie for me before calling me and giving me the message. i'm not worth that hassle.

and...if i do somehow find a job in MA, then i need to focus on finding a place to live. jesus.

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the least headache inducing option as far as getting myself out of my present situation is staying on LI, i suppose. all i'd need to find is a new place to live. but there's really nothing here to hold on to anymore (this island is a constant reminder of broken relationships) so i don't see what good would come in the long run by me staying.

my brain is absolute mush right now.

and my heart...well, i couldn't even describe him if you put a thesaurus in front of me and spotted me the first four adjectives.

when i went to bed last night, i took the cushions off of the back of the couch so that i wouldn't sweat to death. as i curled up in the spot the cushions had vacated i thought to myself

"this really is no way to live. how did i become a piece of trash that missed the garbage can and is now stuck floating in the breeze?"