muted

infection

today marked another accomplishment. i watched "28 days later"...all by myself. woo hoo! now drew and i can see "28 weeks later." nice.

* * *

"geez. are you as depressed as you seem?"

i turn both palms up and raise them with my shoulders as if to say "i don't know, you tell me."

"this feels like a dentist appointment...like i'm pulling teeth."

"i'm sorry."

"it's ok. i've just never seen you this solemn."

"i don't really have much to say...i mean...i think about the questions you've asked tonight all the time...but i don't have any answers."

"lots of questions, no answers, eh?"

"something like that."

* * *

i feel so sharply disconnected from my recent past. it's like i've been pushed off the side of a boat in the middle of the ocean. my flailing has brought a lifeboat to me and there are familiar faces leaning over its side with outstretched arms. i can see lips moving but the voices have collided into one indecipherable mess and all i really want to do is stop fighting, take one last breath, close my eyes and go under.

fizzle

the way this new york experience began with a bang of excitement triggered by a fuse made from the best of intentions only to end with a long, lonely whimper absolutely breaks my heart.

thought process.

tonight i went to one of my favorite websites to waste some time. when i got there, i saw that the new caribou album had leaked and was getting positive feedback so i decided to check it out. hearing what i liked, i headed to the caribou website to see what the band is up to with the new album being released. i saw a video for an old song from back when the band was still called manitoba (some obscure band sued for the rights to "manitoba" and won). i bought "up in flames," their last album as manitoba, when it was released in 2003.

watching that video reminded me of sitting at the computer in the ashland kitchen listening to "up in flames" on windows media player.

2003 - before any of this.

fuck you, stupid brain. :(

suckass

today has been the most lonely memorial day i can ever remember.

barbecue smells are wafting into the apartment.

i hear people gathering and laughing heartily.

i hate them.

just sayin'

when you hear
about her wonderful weekend
you feel like
she's left out
a very important phrase.

"and you were not missed."

disappearing act

i am not a photographer - flickr account deleted.

i am not a musician - myspace account deleted.

i am not a writer - this blog's days are numbered.

depths

you hear ringing downstairs. there's no phone by the bed and no way you'd reach the ringing one in time. who'd be calling at 10am on a friday morning? ok, someone is leaving a message now. shit. you wanted to sleep more but you get out of bed and head for the kitchen. the new message button is blinking so you push it.

"hi steve. it's kim's mom. not sure if you're home or not but i wanted to let you know that my husband is coming over in 10 minutes to put the ceiling fan in the bedroom. he has a key."

fuck. you don't know why, but you can't be here when he arrives. you throw some clothes on your body and a hat atop your head, grab your keys and you're out the door.

you soon discover that you're heading for the beach. the journey towards the beach reminds you of nice weekend drives with kim/the others before and after you moved down here. way to go, fuckface.

when you arrive at the parking lot, you notice that the ratio of unused spaces to used ones is 250 to 1. you exit your car and begin walking towards the sand. the raw, damp loneliness is amplified by the water.

you stop at the edge of the wet sand and stare out at the ocean. the wind keeps whipping your hood against the back of your head so you give in and pull it up over your hat. you watch the waves rhythmically crash onto the sand. your heartbeat accelerates. your mind races.

sure, it'd be freezing and slow and painful and excrutiating but the opportunity is staring you in the face. walk straight ahead and let the water swallow you up just as this island has.

blind

i think it says a lot about my life that the biggest sense of accomplishment i've felt in i don't know how long came from making it through the hostel eyeball scene without turning away from the screen.

from wikipedia:

Unable to ignore this scream, he returns to the factory and finds the very American he talked to earlier torturing Kana with a blowtorch to the face. He kills the man and saves the Japanese girl, whose injuries have resulted in her right eye dangling from the socket. In some cinematic releases of Hostel, this scene is edited to cut the shot of Paxton severing Kana's optic nerve with a pair of scissors to end her pain. The shot was restored for the uncut DVD release.

of course, i did scream a variety of things at the televison.

"dreeeew! DREEEEEEEW! OH MY GOD!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!! GODDAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"

sewer

you head into the office on a sunday afternoon to catch up on the work you missed thursday and friday. you were out those two days because you thought you would have at least one interview in massachusetts but, of course, that didn't pan out.

you get your work done in 90 minutes and head back to the apartment. the weather is beautiful so your windows are down while your stereo is blasting. the people strolling through hempstead must wonder what the insane racket coming from your car is all about. dan deacon, yo. dan deacon.

you start to think about her and how fast things fell apart. it amazes you that she doesn't care anywhere close to as much as you thought she would. it makes no sense at all. you wanna shake her and scream "what the fuck is wrong with you?!" and then...

you see her car coming towards you.

just like that, she's behind you.

if only it could be that easy.

[picture taken by frankie]

b + c = c + b

while watching pan's labyrinth with drew tuesday night, this amazingness came across the screen. because i'm a huge dork, yo, i got excited and told drew we needed to take pictures. unfortunately, i didn't pause the dvd in time and when i rewound, i accidentally rewound back to the beginning of the movie. way to go, fuckface. once i restarted the movie and skipped through the necessary chapters, we had our pictures. la da da da.

don't mess

this is a good drivingaroundwiththewindowsdown summery song.

drew, don't bother ;)

yo

whenever i go home i bring my camera because frankie likes to use it. he'll say "hey uncle stevie, can we take pictures?" and of course i say yes. i love that he wants to use it and it's awesome that he knows how.

mom and i were sitting on the grass under a tree while frankie was walking around taking pictures.

"hey frankie."

"yeah, uncle stevie?"

"can you take a picture for me?"

"ok!"

"i want you to take a picture looking up at the sky from underneath the basketball net. ok?"

"ok."

i think he did a great job. i made sure i told him that.

pan pizza at last

good movie.

a visual masterpiece, if you will.

if only it were true...

i'd gleefully count down those last 215 seconds.

funbags.

it might not be a good thing that the new elliott smith 2cd collection was released today. i bought it after work on my second best buy journey of the day. i didn't know it was released until i came back to work after purchasing

bjork - volta
feist - the reminder
the devil and daniel johnston

drew, i'm still not sure what song i want played at my funeral, but this song is definitely in the running for the one i want to hear as i drive across the whitestone bridge for the last time.

syl

it's a solo acoustic version of my favorite heatmiser (elliott's old band) song.

"cindy you have stolen my heart."

i spent a solid 7 minutes on monster tonight until i came across a word that made me chuck my glasses, slam the keyboard tray shut, storm into the bathroom, kick the door closed (it wouldn't slam) and sit on the floor for a few minutes.

"ashland."

* * *

i'm sure there's an interesting somethingorother to be made out of the video footage i've captured with decreasing frequency over the last seven years. there's no way i could watch any of it right now, though. it's too bad, with youtube being around and all.

* * *

you should check out jennifer's pictures from saturday. they're good.

she found the piece of paper from the photo. it only said what you see so we played a fun game called "guess what cindy has?" for a few minutes.

regression

i feel like i've been regressing over the past few days and it truly scares me.

my life doesn't make much sense to me anymore but it's real and constantly in my face and i'm not sure how much longer it'll be before i collapse under this weight.

the "a" word.

new pictures up.

i watched "little children" this afternoon and thought it was really good. it kinda had this "american beauty" feel to it and kate winslet was amazing, as always. i recommend it.

after the movie, i paced around the apartment trying to decide what to do next. i could feel my typically amped weekend anxiety growing.

"i could take a shower."

"we need toilet paper."

"i should get cold cuts too."

"i gotta pay some bills."

three simple tasks. shower. grocery store. bills. yet thinking about trying to attempt even one of these tasks made me feel like i was jumping out of my skin.

i went to the porch to try to calm myself. no luck. when i returned indoors, i was overcome on the steps and had to sit down. it wasn't the first time i found myself sitting there in such a state. unfortunately, being on the steps for any longer than it takes to walk them reminds me of a dave matthews singalong painting afternoon (relax, i wasn't part of the singing) and that's a memory that increases my anxiety. i needed off the stairs so i moved to the couch in the computer room where i quickly learned that lying down in my state meant tears in the ears. i started to think about painting the computer room which just made everything worse. i felt paralyzed.

30 minutes later i was back on the porch.

"get a grip, fuckface. stop being an asshole."

from the porch i marched directly into the shower. 22 minutes later i was in waldbaums.

i hadn't planned to buy these 11 non-edible items but i figured a fresh notebook start might do me some good. i guess we'll see.

stuck

listening to essie jain while trying to find a job early on a sunday morning turned out to be a lethal combination for me.

i cannot stay here much longer. it is killing me.

c'mon, careerbuilder!

c'mon monster!

daddy needs a new life!

[i like "haze" the best. it sounds like a sad song but at the end there's this reassuring, almost uplifting refrain. i cannot believe i just typed "refrain."]

s.a.t.

cool day with jennifer.
walked in nature.
took pictures.
ate at a diner.
watched "rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead" (i probably didn't spell that correctly).
came home.
watched "black hawk down" (nice).
drank three beers
and a large milkshake.
i feel kinda ill.

* * *

i wish daisuke would throw the type of curve that i've been thrown down here.

i thought about all the time we spent at the table under the grapes laughing, joking and making fun of each other.

all that shit is dead now.

so fuckin' weird.

hasselhoffed

what a strange friday, yo.

had no breakfast. ate no lunch. started drinking at 4:30. didn't eat anything for dinner. drank 9 beers as fast as i could (one last one after the picture was taken). not sure if i saw 7pm. woke up in the pitchblack computer room at 12:30am not knowing what was going on. saw kim on the couch in the tv room. asked her when she got back from happy hr and then went back to bed. fuuuuuun!

drew put up the oven mitt pictures to which i was referring. way too funny.

1.

2.

3.

awesome!

if you look at his other pictures (and you should, because they're awesome), you'll find some happy steve shots. and by happy i mean i've never looked more unhappy which is weird because it was a good time.

6 beers ago (or, 60 minutes in real time)

i got home early today. kim was on the porch waiting for gina marie to pick her up so that they could go to happy hour. i went into the house and fridged the 12 beers i had just purchased. when i returned to the porch, gina marie had arrived. she and kim were talking about some testicled person in gina marie's life.

gina marie: men are the worst.

steve (kinda softly): women are worse.

gm: you really think so?

s: yeah.

gm: why? are we more complicated?

s: i don't know. i've given up trying to understand you guys.

sample sadness

i wonder what it means that over the last two days i've listened to mazzy star and fiona apple while in my car. maybe it means that the dominant feeling right now for me is sadness. or maybe it just means that i really am gay.

* * *

because i have an amazon.com visa card, i got a $25 amazon.com gift certificate in the mail this week (a nice, timely surprise). today, i ordered three dvd's. the total came to $31 which means i got these three dvd's for $6 when all was said and done. i've never seen any of these movies. well, i did see part of the first one...in amsterdam...with dutch subtitles.

1. amores perros

2. y tu mama tambien

3. hostel (unrated director's cut - woohoo!!)

nice.

* * *

annie, a coworker of mine since i started here 17 months ago, is leaving today. i'm definitely bummed about that. she was arguably the most valuable member of our 6 person team as she worked her ass off and wouldn't back down from anyone who gave her or the team any shit. she also fit right in with 5 guys who have pretty wacky senses of humor. i'll miss hearing her cackle from the other side of my cube. i'll miss her saying "chicken and beef" or "yo!" whenever she passed me. i'll never forget a few months into my tenure when she told me "you're too funny! i wish you were my brother!" (<---- i get that brother thing a lot ;)

today she said "i'm going to miss you the most, steve." tears.

i wish her the best of luck. her new company has no idea how lucky they are to be getting her.

[pictured (l-r): me, rich, annie, patrick]

* * *

i went to best buy at lunch today for some "retail therapy" (to borrow a phrase i first saw on little black dot). i picked up three more movies that i've yet to see.

4. black hawk down

5. 21 grams

6. little children

as i drove back to work, i realized that all three of these movies are probably pretty depressing. exCITING!

sravesi@hotmail.com

i found a rejection in my "gotta land a job" email account this afternoon. i appreciated the response because i've applied to lots of jobs and only a few companies have taken the time to tell me "no thanks."

* * *

"straight blast. i listened to it last night and was like, oh i wonder
what this is gonna be like.
then like two minutes later i was smoking a cigarette and singing it
out loud without even realizing it . dopeness."

- drew

barred.

wanna see something funny? go to www.poetry.com and type in my name. you can read some stuff i wrote back when i shunned sentences. they're pretty cringeworthy and although each ends with a "copyright 2007" i assure you they were written years ago. what the f was i thinking?

* * *

i don't like that dr. a said this to me last night:

"i hope your anger keeps you warm at night."

he did smile/half-chuckle after saying it, but i still think it was mean. jennifer suggested that maybe he was trying to get me mad. i guess that's possible given the way i kinda just sat there last night. still, she thought it was a mean thing to say and i'm glad it's not just me who feels that way.

also, last week he made it sound like he agreed with my recent decisions and that they really were the only ones i could have made. this week, he took a different side and i find it pretty damn confusing.

"you're not moving for the right reasons. what i mean is that most people move to go take advantage of an opportunity. a new job, a new house. things like that. you're moving to get away from something."

i guess trying to get myself into a more friendly environment isn't a valid reason for moving in his eyes.

"i made the only decision i could make."

last week he agreed with me.

this week he said "you made a decision. there were alternatives."

"none that would preserve whatever dignity i have left."

"well, i hope your dignity keeps you warm at night, too."

i don't know about this guy.

* * *

drew, you gotta make a myspace music page and start posting your songs. you promised. get on that shit.

i posted a couple new things on my page. i wouldn't call them songs, really, but whatever. steph did compliment them out of the blue which was nice. unsolicited positive feedback rules. i never got much of that around these parts which bothered me because i always tried to give feedback to my friends/former-friends and asking for feedback is the absolute worst. just another sign that i'm making the right move by getting outta here, i guess.

in your face, dr. a.

hlt wednesdee.

i have less hair today than i did yesterday.

drew, you gotta download this song and play it loudly.

pay special attention to the chorus.

this is the song i was blasting as i sped down the southern state on the night kim and i first talked.

i rediscovered it tonight on the way home from the laundromat (where i deftly avoided all discussion of my non-existent son).

remember. loudly + chorus.

- pardon my freedom

off to "talky time with dr. a."

* * *

"you are clearly depressed."

what gave it away, dr. a? was it all the staring at your floor for the first time since we started meeting? was it that i only stopped staring at the floor to give one word answers?

there was one light-hearted moment, however.

"so, you're scared of females now. are you not going to have female friends anymore?"

"ummm, i don't know. maybe i'll have a grandfather clause where if you already were a female friend of mine, you get to stick around."

i've never seen him laugh so hard. he looked kinda like a vacationing santa claus.

i think he over-laughed, for the record.

"it won't give up. it wants me dead.
goddamn this noise inside my head."

you know what's cool?

having to go to the bathroom at work to relieve yourself...of mad tears.

pretending you weren't just bawling your eyes out once you leave the bathroom is a fun game, too.

i wish "quietus," the suicide pill featured in children of men, was real.


* * *

august 28, 2003

hey steve...

how are you doing? are you lonely without kimmie? even though she has gina & i, kim is lonely without you... i can tell...she really loves you...

i just wanted to tell you that i think it's awesome that you're trying to move to new york... i understand that you might be a little intimidated by the extreme change in location, but i really think you'll get used to it quickly...

i don't know why, but i feel that you're gonna be successful in finding a job down here... i don't know if that little piece of information is comforting or motivating, but i just have a feeling...

just remember, you've already got 3 friends & your "lover", who are ready and willing to help you adjust and feel comfortable...

i just wanted to let you know that i look forward to you moving down here... (mr. bojangles will be so happy!!) just take it one day at a time and try not to get too stressed out...

IT'S GONNA HAPPEN!!

~~courtney~~

excuse me while i clean the vomit off of my monitor and keyboard.

carded.

i wish i hadn't looked at kim's birthday cards.

plus...

i feel a little weird that i did.

but...

she did display them.

and...

no one ever comes here.

[scanscanshrinkchopshrinkchopcombineshrinkpost]

* * *

blossom's, the store at the corner of my old street, changes hands a lot. every few months, you're greeted by a new face behind the counter. sometimes, the new face is an old face.

within the past week or so, i have seen new new faces. these faces appear to be cutting back on the product available for purchase as i've noticed that some shelves are missing.

i went to blossom's tonight as the sun was setting. i stood before a new face at the counter and sensed an extra gray coming through the windows, unimpeded by absent shelves. i began thinking about all the times i've spent there with other people, laughing and joking. being alone now was strange and sad. then my mean little mind decided to kick me while i was down by remembering a certain picture adventure that took place within blossom's walls.

i guess those moments never really mean what you think they do.
















since my birthday, i've watched three seasons of "the wire" totaling 37 episodes. tonight, i watched the first episode again. it was cool to see the introductions of all the characters i came to know and love.

each episode of "the wire" is around 56 minutes.

37 episodes x 56 minutes = 37 hrs - (4 x 37) minutes.

4 x 37 minutes is 148 minutes.

37 hrs - 148 minutes = 34 hrs + 32 minutes.

let's round up to 35 hrs. cool? cool.

i know my birthday was 50 days ago because i am 7 weeks older than kim and yesterday was her birthday.

35 hrs / 50 days = .7 hrs / day

my 30's have meant an average of 42 minutes of "the wire" per day.

eat that, fuckfaces.