muted

1/5th of my life ago

six years ago tonight i stood in santa barbara, ca at the santa barbara bowl next to gina and watched the beta band and radiohead.

i believe she and kim are at the grand canyon tonight.

strangers now

i know it's one of the most fruitless exercises
in which you can engage.
i really do.
but i couldn't help myself tonight
as i stood on the porch
and wondered what would've happened
if katie and i had gone through with a kiss
at the fidelity bye-bye.

i fucking love the shit out of this band

this song features everything i love about the yeah yeah yeahs. it starts slow and somber and then BLAAAAOOOOWWWW!!!!

here's the mp3 if you want it - db.

you know you do.

meinsideandout.

three x three x three

christine turns 27 today which boggles my mind, really. my little sister is 27 years old.

anyway, even though she doesn't read this,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISTINE!!!!

* * *

27 is the last age i turned in massachusetts, coincidentally.

it's truly amazing how shitty i feel about myself down here.

i wish i could express what it does to one's head when someone who used to care about you doesn't give one shit that you're leaving and that she'll never see you again once you're gone.

the worst part is that she'd lie to us both and claim that she does care.

it's all just words.

oooooooooooohhhhhh KAJIMA

it's kinda funny that i wrote

life fuckin' sucks. i absolutely hate it.

right before one of the best weekends in recent memory.

will i ever learn?

discouraged times infinity

i finally heard back from the cambridge job and, of course, they went with someone else. it took me a week of pulling teeth to get any information and then i finally get that awesome news right before work starts.

i'm absolutely crushed. i really wanted that job.

so, of the three places at which i interviewed two weeks ago, this is how it stands:

- 1 definite "no thanks"

- 1 "we don't want to say no but we're gonna look for someone with more experience"

and

- 1 "yeah, we like you and might make an offer...someday."

it's too bad the only one that still has a slight chance of coming through is the place i liked least.

did i mention that i'm crushed? like, i can't even convey how crushed. going to MA for those three interviews in two days was so draining that i'm not looking forward to repeating the process.

all this rejection lately (both personal and professional) has me feeling like a worthless piece of shit.

life fuckin' sucks. i absolutely hate it.

discouraged

hoped my next journey
over the bridge
would be my last.

* * *

a response to a work email that i sent today was addressed to rich so i initiated the following im exchange:

steven: i suppose i should be flattered that you've mistaken me for the one they call "hot sample guy"
40marriedkids: lol
40marriedkids: sorry about that
steven: it was funny
40marriedkids: you're hotter

i'm sure she was shittin' me, but i'll take what i can get, yo.

what a difference a week makes

it's gotta be impossible to go long.
he looked at his clock a while ago.
there's no way he lost track of time.
maybe he's really enjoying this little chit-chat of ours.
i am quite personable.
ha ha. good one, steve.
yes. digital cameras are cool.
i wish the one i just bought fit into my pocket.
i'm glad you can take 2thousand pictures, doc.
HE JUST LOOKED AT HIS CLOCK AGAIN!
we gotta be almost done.
chitchatchitchat.
i want this over so badly.
i'm glad he told me not to worry about the camera.
it is only money.
ANOTHER CLOCK PEAK!
homestretch, nice to meet you.
mmmm, hunger.
i really need to get a new battery for my watch.
that'd be funny if khoa was sitting on that couch in the corner this whole time
making faces behind dr. a's back.
there's no way i wouldn't laugh.
see you next week, dude.
fiiiiiiiinally.

i'm not a golfer, see?

i found myself standing in line behind kevin at cvs tonight. i wish i had a better reply for him when he asked me what i'd been up to lately. "not" and "much" were all i could muster.

it would've been cool if some day my name came up and kevin remembered our encounter and said

"the last time i ever saw steve was at cvs. i asked him what he'd been up to and he replied 'just playing as much golf as i can...workin' on my tan. you know how it is.' "

"dreamed about killing you again last night
(and it felt alright to me)"

i was doing pretty well. honestly. i didn't think about new york much when i was in massachusetts. i was too nervous about the interviews and too excited about the possibilities for my islandless future. once the interviews were over and some positive feedback started trickling in, i was mostly just excited. therapy wednesday night was like something out of the twilight zone. smiles, jokes, laughter. in all the years i've been going, i've never had such a session. i'm not gonna lie - it actually felt pretty damn strange. but i guess it was one of those good stranges, see?

however, now that the feedback has stopped and the excitement has begun to wane, i can feel the sadness taking over. living my day to day life here is a constant reminder of how things used to be and how much different they are now.

[this section removed because it's painfully obvious that the ratio of missing on my part to being missed by those down here is astronomical]

i guess i just need this island in my rearviewmirror as quickly as possible.

overandover.

just play it cool, yo.

just play it cool.

injury time

soccer is weird. the game clock counts up instead of down. when it reaches 45:00 (the length of a half) or 90:00, the game usually goes on for a bit in what is called "injury time." you see, only the ref knows how long the game has actually taken because sometimes he has to stop his watch (like if a player flops and rolls around on the ground for a while). therefore, the audience is in the dark whenever injury time begins. maybe it'll last 30 seconds. maybe it'll last 3 minutes.

i feel like i'm living in injury time. i know that the end of this long island experience is right around the corner, but i'm not sure when i'll get to put all of this behind me for good.

i wish the ref would let me peak at his watch.

a lonely six sam summers

my life
is a 2,000 piece puzzle
dumped
in a pile
onto a cleared-off coffee table.
only
its box
has no picture
on its cover
to guide me.

good luck with that,
fuckface!