muted

"i have no idea how this happens..."

so that's a line from the song "you are my face" by wilco. the song is used in a new vw commercial where the owner isn't too keen on handing the keys over to a valet. that line is the only one you hear and it comes right at the end of the commercial so you gotta pay close attention if you wanna catch it.

anyway, the thing is, i do have an idea how this happens. my mind hates me. those four words don't make much sense as a sentence but let me try to explain.

i feel like my mind is working against me just for the fuck of it.

take today.

* * *

i lash out at someone who clearly doesn't deserve it. then i run out of the house because i feel trapped (unrelated to the lashing). when i get into my car, i put elliott smith into the stereo. why would i choose to listen to music that makes me sad on a good day on this day? good quesion, stupid mind.

while driving, i decide i need to stop and get something to drink. as i'm walking around the store looking for some kinda coke product, guess what i hear playing over the loud speaker? billy fuckin' joel. i'm not shitting you. and it's not one of the songs with which i was familiar before moving to new york. nope. it's that fucking brenda and eddie song and i can picture mrs. kutcher bopping along and singing it at that pig roast in her sister's backyard. so now my mind has a partner (whoever's responsible for that song playing during the 85 seconds i'm in the store) and they're laughing at me. great.

when i get back into the car, i just drive and drive and drive and drive down rt. 138. i pass the mini-golf spot that my three high school friends and i used to frequent which means i've never gone this far. i don't care. i'm not ready to go back home.

i have my camera with me but i don't take a single picture which only increases my anger with myself. more than once, tears make an appearance. awesome. thanks, elliott! eventually, 138 becomes too bumpy and cuts through too sketchy an area so i turn around and head home. by the time i pull into the driveway, i've listened to both discs of "new moon." wow.

* * *

i watched the first 8 episodes of dexter today. i bought season one yesterday when i bought the bridge. i absolutely love this show and can't wait to finish the 4 remaining episodes. not only is the story awesome but the way it looks is pretty damn cool too (wow, i should be a professional critic with analysis like that). i think it's a testament to michael c. hall that even after watching him as david fisher for all 5 seasons of six feet under, 30 seconds into the first episode, he becomes dexter to me. that's talent.

i couldn't help feeling sad, though, that i was watching by myself. that wouldn't be the case if i was still in ny. but there's that mind thing again.

oh, and i didn't break that chair...on purpose at least. it disintegrated beneath my keister as i was watching dexter. nice.