muted

monday night (my mind's not right)

my request last night to have the rest of my life transferred to someone dying who really wants and deserves to live has gone unfulfilled so the post-vermont depression stretches across its second monday. it's nearly impossible to focus on work. i read emails from this year that i definitely should not be reading. when i've had enough of those, i read this year's blog posts. i discover that i've been frighteningly all over the map which serves no present use in trying to make sense of the mush my mind has become. i want so badly to get up from my desk and scream "i can't fake this anymore!!" but i have just enough sense to keep staring at my monitor.

mark texted me a couple times this weekend asking to borrow the second season of arrested development but i didn't feel well enough to respond. maybe i should take advantage of the severe reduction in distance between our residences and drop it off tonight. i could really use the distraction. i call him twice from work but get his voicemail each time. i realize that i don't feel comfortable talking personally in cubicleworld so i leave no message. when five o'clock mercifully hits, i see that he's texted me again. i call him. we speak. "i'm coming over." "ok."

i pull into the visitor parking spot just before 7pm. before i can turn my car off, i see that someone has pulled up perpendicularly to it. it's adam. we each exit our hondas. he tells me that he's going to pick up some chinese food and asks if i'd like to join him. i decline. he says that it's good to see me. i throw that right back at him. then he says that this is a nice surprise and asks to what do they owe the pleasure of a monday night visit.

i want to collapse against my car and tell him about my heavy heart and my messy mind...i want to tell him how it feels as if everything between new year's eve on the farmhouse porch and this moment amongst the hondas has happened so quickly that i'm dizzy and lacking oxygen...i want to tell him how i desperately wish he was just a character in the choose-your-own-adventure book that i'd soon be flipping back to page 24.

instead i shrug my shoulders and smile.

"well, i'm glad you're here, man."

thanks for the distraction, guys.