muted

melting

i tried to write tonight but i scrapped it all. "it all" implies that there was a lot of scrapping. but there wasn't really. it was only six lines worth but it still felt crappy to be scrappy. writing is a struggle because i can never tell if the results are any good. i guess it shouldn't matter one way or the other. whenever i try to talk about this with someone they invariably tell me the most important thing is whether or not i get any enjoyment from writing. i think i would get more enjoyment out of it if i was good at it because then i could be proud. it's been far too long since i was proud. definitely years.

i figured out yesterday that i don't like people walking behind me. i've probably always known but yesterday was the first time i mentally verbalized it and it felt like an epiphany. this would explain why when other people and i exit a car, i'll always slide to the back of the pack even if i was driving or in the passenger seat. i wonder if anyone has noticed that i do this. it's the worst when a stranger is walking behind me. i start to freak out and get anxious. weird.