muted

December 19, 2005

had first session while medicated tonight. talked about me having started medication, how it was making me feel, how i hoped it would make me feel and my reservations about it. we spent most of the time on my reservations. had trouble expressing my worries and fears. told her i didn't want to become numb to things. she wanted me to be more specific. i stared silently at her floor. when i find myself doing that, i often want to look at the clock directly across from me and see how much time i have left with the floor. since i'm not sure if she's watching me and i feel that it'd be rude for me to be seen looking at the clock, i prefer to sneak my time checks. i'll roll up my left sleeve without looking at it and then take a quick peak at my watch or, if she turns her head, i'll dart my eyes to that clock directly across from me.

tonight i spent so much time staring at the floor that we actually talked about it. she said it was unusual, even for me. later, i thought "screw it" and decided to look at her clock. when i saw that she was watching me i said

"how much time do we have left?"
i saw that it was 8:30 pm before she answered.
"we have about 15 minutes."
"wow. i'm surprised."
"really? why?"
"it feels like i've been in here longer."
"it does, now that you say that."
"did we start late or something?"
she smiled.
"actually, we started right on time tonight."
i resumed staring at the floor.
"why did you ask how much time was left?"
i paused.
"when i sense we're past the halfway point, i have trouble determining if it's worth it to start on certain topics."
"such as..."
my eyes returned to the floor.
"umm..."
"well, what would you want to talk about if time was not an issue?"
after another pause, i began speaking. i found that the words were leaving my mouth as soon as i thought them.
"sometimes i'm afraid that...i get...ummm...some kind of sick satisfaction out of being sad...and that thought really bothers me."
she shifted in her chair and grabbed her notebook. her interest in what i had just said was apparent. she began writing.
"can you clarify what you mean by that a little bit? i want to make sure i understand."
"i don't know. it's like...i find comfort in sadness."
"oh, ok. i wasn't sure if that's what you meant. i had a feeling but the way you phrased it threw me off."
"yeah. it's just...i find the idea so reprehensible that i guess it's why i said it that way."
"i'm not surprised."
i smiled. a small one, anyway.
"i don't think it's such a reprehensible idea."
"really?"
"really. they're not good feelings but you know what they feel like. they're comforting."
"yeah."
"familiar! they're familiar. familiar is a better word."
"yes."
"what will it feel like if that goes away?"
"i don't know. i'm afraid to find out."
"it's a risk, in some respects."


January 2, 2006

"i kinda thought it'd be easier to talk to you tonight given all that's happened since we last spoke."
"it seems harder than usual for you. does it feel that way?"
"not really. i don't know."
"one of the things i'm noticing tonight is that i hear what you're saying but i'm not getting a good sense of the feelings behind what you say. usually the feelings are very easy for me to detect."
"hmmm. i guess i could see that."
"do you think maybe the same is true for you? like you're having a hard time determining the feelings behind your thoughts?"
"now that you mention it..."
"that could be due to the medication. remember you mentioned being afraid that it might bring a certain level of numbness? maybe that's what we're seeing here."
"sounds possible."
"it must feel very foreign to you."
"it does. i'm not sure i like it."
"you're very brave."
"i don't know about that but thanks."