muted

ravesi's anatomy

it had been a while since i went through the draw where i keep all my financial documents. since kim and i are in the process of moving, i decided that now is as good a time as any to gather all the superold documents and throw them into shoeboxes. there hasn't been room in the draw for any new documents for a few months now but i had been too lazy to do anything about it. so lazy, in fact, that all the new documents have been piling up on top of the drawer.

in the process of cleaning out the drawer, i came across a folder which contained no financial documents. this folder stopped me dead in my tracks for a good 30 minutes. the following are some of the things i found within this folder:

- a legal pad from my time in newton. on the first page was written:

"Steve,

Sorry about leaving...I wanted to leave you with your friends. Give me a call if you want.

Abby."

abby was a fidelity coworker. we became pretty close and actually went on a few dates. she came to our crazy "new toilet bowl as the punch bowl" halloween party (that's where the above note was written). she was a math freak like me which was a nice change of pace. however, our courtship ended when she called it off because i didn't kiss her fast enough (i had yet to kiss her). i thought i was being a gentleman.

there are also writings in this legal pad from some of the wacky newton nights that mark, kim, and i shared. we'd pass the pad around and force each other to write. this might be the best of what a 23 year old me wrote in this pad:

"sometimes i feel like the penny in a crowd of quarters, nickels and dimes. i exist, but really, who needs the penny?"

this one still sums me up pretty nicely, i'd say:

"i worry a lot about things that don't deserve so much attention and when i realize that worrying wasn't necessary, i worry about the fact that i worried in the first place."

here's something that a 23 year old kim wrote. i quite like it:

"today, tomorrow, whatever, whenever. i don't know. someday it will all make sense. bologna, beers, and buds. here's to my life and the happiness that surrounds me. all i know is nothing and i forget something new each day. yet i learn to replace those thoughts, feelings, and memories that are no longer mine. maybe now they can be yours. who knows? things never stay static and i change with each wave that crashes into me. how about you?"

i'd share some of what a 26 year old mark wrote but it's very difficult to read his handwriting and when i can read it, i realize that he was on a completely different wavelength than kim and i. completely!

- printed out emails from my fidelity email account.

i spent the most time with these. reading sometimes hilarious, sometimes unbelievably honest excerpts from the innocent beginnings of what would eventually become a confusingly vital friendship filled me with such a wide range of emotions. the fact that, nowadays, this friendship feels more strained than anything else certainly added to the scope of the emotions i felt.

- birthday cards from my last massachusetts birthday (upon which i turned 27 years old).

christine wrote a heartfelt note in hers. reading it for the first time in years brought tears to my eyes. amongst other things that will remain for my eyes only (only for me!), she told me that she was so proud of me for taking a chance and moving to new york. unfortunately, what has happened in this state and the things i have done are nothing of which to be proud. i've worked three different jobs. i was fired from the first one and i botched my resignation from the second. i haven't been a good friend to the new yorkers. i haven't been a good friend to the ones i left behind in massachusetts. i haven't been much of a ravesi since i moved and i haven't matured much. but how could christine anticipate any of that?

- a handful of photos from my childhood.

i emailed the above one of christine and me to her today. there are more that i'll probably share over the next few days. it's so weird to look back right now but they made me smile and that's a good thing, right?