muted

the "a" word.

new pictures up.

i watched "little children" this afternoon and thought it was really good. it kinda had this "american beauty" feel to it and kate winslet was amazing, as always. i recommend it.

after the movie, i paced around the apartment trying to decide what to do next. i could feel my typically amped weekend anxiety growing.

"i could take a shower."

"we need toilet paper."

"i should get cold cuts too."

"i gotta pay some bills."

three simple tasks. shower. grocery store. bills. yet thinking about trying to attempt even one of these tasks made me feel like i was jumping out of my skin.

i went to the porch to try to calm myself. no luck. when i returned indoors, i was overcome on the steps and had to sit down. it wasn't the first time i found myself sitting there in such a state. unfortunately, being on the steps for any longer than it takes to walk them reminds me of a dave matthews singalong painting afternoon (relax, i wasn't part of the singing) and that's a memory that increases my anxiety. i needed off the stairs so i moved to the couch in the computer room where i quickly learned that lying down in my state meant tears in the ears. i started to think about painting the computer room which just made everything worse. i felt paralyzed.

30 minutes later i was back on the porch.

"get a grip, fuckface. stop being an asshole."

from the porch i marched directly into the shower. 22 minutes later i was in waldbaums.

i hadn't planned to buy these 11 non-edible items but i figured a fresh notebook start might do me some good. i guess we'll see.