muted

eddie and the taco

it looked like a regular taco. well, a taco that had been in a knife fight and then left for dead on the sidewalk is probably a little more accurate. but even so, a taco pretty much looks like a taco whether it's been in a knife fight or spat upon by a love-scorned montell williams. therefore, there was no visible hint of what eddie carstank was about to encounter upon closer inspection of the taco.

a few weeks ago, eddie quit his job as a pension specialist at a big time corporate company. he had worked there for almost five years but hated it from day one. he was promoted after the first year but never again. since he now found himself unemployed, he was low on money which meant he often went without food.

eddie decided he needed to go for a walk to try to take his mind off of his reality. he threw some batteries and cotton swabs into his backpack, put on his red adidas headband and headed out the backdoor of the apartment he probably wouldn't be able to afford much longer. a few steps into the walk, he realized he was missing his left shoe. he re-entered his apartment and after 117 minutes of lopsided searching, found the missing wheel in his broken microwave. he put it on and again left the apartment.

once outside, eddie took a left on secaucus road and aimed his legs towards the town's water tower which was 25 miles yonder. he soon passed a frog and a seagull engaged in a heated round of hopscotch on the curb outside henry's house of heavenly hamburgers. quite a crowd had gathered to watch the animals go at it, but eddie resumed walking after watching for only a few minutes.

as eddie came upon floppyarm avenue, a taco caught his eye in the alley to his right. the hunger that burned in his belly lead him slowly over to the slightly beat-up food package (you know, package of food). eddie snuck a peak behind him, then to his right and his left, to make sure no one was watching. satisfied that he would be unseen, he leaned in close to the taco and reached out to grab it.

at first, eddie thought his crippling hunger had made him delusional. but in short time, eddie was sure that the taco was serenading him with his favorite verse of "summertime" by dj jazzy jeff and the fresh prince ("it's late in the day and i ain't been on the court yet/hustle to the ball to get me a short set/yeah...i got on sneaks/but i need a new pair/cuz basketball courts in the summer got girls there...").

eddie didn't know how to react initially. then, almost as if he was on auto-pilot, he started break-dancing. soon, a crowd began to gather around eddie and the singing taco. as eddie did the crab, he could see the crowd laying money down beside the taco. he cracked a smile when he saw that the frog and the seagull clapped as he spun. when eddie stopped for a breather, the crowd erupted with the loudest ovation he had ever heard. he gave the taco a low-five and took a bow.

after a few more djjjatfp cuts, eddie and the taco were pooped and had to call it a day. the crowd cheered once again before dispersing jubilantly into the night, talking about their favorite performances as they went. when eddie bent down to count the money, he realized he had never felt so ecstatic and re-low-fived the exhausted taco. their windfall was substantial enough for eddie to book a national tour for himself and the taco.

eddie never went hungry again.

* * *

so...

tonight did not feature any more attempts to strangle myself with wearables, which is good, i suppose. i'd be lying, though, if i said that watching my name is earl and the office by myself didn't make me wish a couple of times that i'd been successful last night.